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#15

Heaven & God
By Kazz Falcon

I read in the bible that being gay is a sin
That doesn’t wash my hands
I just don’t believe that
God made me a homosexual
Therefore, how can it be a sin?
Besides, God want a variety of people on earth
The bible said, “Do not judge.”
Yet, some people do it any way
They judged me for being gay
Let’s talk about homosexuality in the bible
It’s best to talk about Heaven and God first
Picture this
It’s the judgment day
I stood in front of God
It was the only the two of us, not counting Jesus and Mother Mary
Who else do I see?
I don’t see anyone else, not my friends, family or strangers
Why?
It’s between God and me
It’s really about God and me, no one else
The relationship is between God and me
God is the judge of my life
No one else judges me in heaven
Why can’t it be like that on earth where no one judges you?


Just Like Earth
By Kazz Falcon

Recently, I came out of the closet
I don’t want to hide the truth
I was a homosexual
I need to be true to myself
One of my friends was mixed
He doesn’t believed it was okay
He mentioned the bible to me
He showed me the 1 Corinthians 6:9 verse
He claimed that God doesn’t love gay people
Gays shall go straight to hell
That’s hogwash
I wasn’t ashamed to be gay
He continued to preach “the truth”
What truth was that?
We have our own beliefs
I believed in God
That’s what matters the most
I was a gay Christian
He doesn’t buy that
There was no such thing as a gay Christian
I brought up Heaven & God
I asked a very important question
“Will you be there at my side when God talks to me in heaven?”
He said, “No, God will talk to you ALONE.”
I said, “It’s between God and me in heaven, just like earth.”


The Negro Word
By Kazz Falcon

I posted HIV Bareback poem in a gay forum
DaiseeLove (KariCraw) found some words interesting
I used “stupid black” and the “Negro” word
She stupidly claimed I made it an issue
Say what?
I did no such thing
I have no ideal of why she made it a big deal
She made the Negro word an issue
I did nothing wrong at all
It’s not wrong to call an African American “Negro”
I looked up the word in the Webster dictionary
A Negro is an African American; black
She brought up the race card, not me
This got nothing to do with race
The poem was about HIV Bareback, not race
Besides, the African American called me “white”
Saying Negro or white doesn’t make us racists
She was one STUPID WHITE woman
She accused me of being racist
In closing, she ole me an apology


So Called Friend
By Kazz Falcon

I was officially sick of Chris
He ate my food without asking
I opened the door
He always closed the door
I know him over a week
I can’t stand him any longer
I don’t have any more patience with him
He made a mess out of my place
He doesn’t clean up after himself
He left uneaten food in the sink
He left it there till I clean it up
No friends should be like that
He wasn’t respecting my place or me
I was getting mad big time
Sometimes, I need to get angry
He was running over me big time
I wanted it to stop
I put my foot down
I sent him on his way
Top it all, I was too kind for my own good
I wished I was Red from That 70’s Show
I will put my foot up his ass
My friends have NEVER treated me that way before
Chris wasn’t a TRUE friend



The Projects
By Kazz Falcon

I got to admit
I hated living in the projects
The neighborhood was so bad
My son can’t even go out and play
I forbid it
There were so many crimes
Drugs, prostitution, gangs were part of his young life
It wasn’t a pretty sight
I did my best to protect him
I vowed to get out of the projects
I had enough of that life
I worked my ass off
I saved my money for a long time
I vowed a better life for us
My son will have something to strive for
His well being and safety was my main concern
I won’t let it get to me
Some day, we will get a fabulous new apartment
I won’t dare to forget the experience
It was very depressing to live in the projects



My Way Out
By Kazz Falcon

I was so fed up with the projects
I didn’t want to live there any more
Man, my life should be much better than this
I didn’t care how I get out
My job didn’t pay that much
I figured I would be gone in a year
Hell, no! I was going on three years
I was going nowhere fast
I can’t stand my life
I need a break
It got me down
I can’t do it any more
I was tired of praying to God
He wasn’t helping me
Where is God when I need him the most?
I gave up on hope
I decided to make fast money
It was illegal thou
I became a drug dealer
I found my way out


HIV Guilt
By Kazz Falcon

My boyfriend took an HIV test
He gave me the bad news
He was HIV +
He wondered how it happened
We always practiced safe sex
We haven’t been with someone else
We had a monogamy relationship
He started to cry
I comforted him
He shouldn’t be worry
It wasn’t the end of his life
Things happened for a reason
We had no control over things
Back in my mind, I know the truth
I gave the disease to him
I kept my HIV status a secret
I loved him so much
I didn’t want to lose him
That’s why I didn’t tell him
I was afraid that he wants no part of me
I put his life at risk
I felt so guilty


Gay Guilt
By Kazz Falcon

It weights heavily on my mind
I just can’t
I just can’t accept being gay
I wasn’t raised to like guys
I came from a strict Baptist family
We didn’t believe in being gay
It was unnatural
Yet, I started to have feelings at age 31
I don’t understand how I became that way
I had many girlfriends
I felt comfortable with them
I wanted to have a wife and kids
Now, that dream was destroyed
I can’t cope with being gay
I wanted my old straight life back
Life was simple back then
It felt so wrong
I don’t want to be gay
I tried my best to stop it
My gay feelings got stronger
I have no ideal how to stop it
I even prayed to God
I prayed to stop the feelings
It wouldn’t go away
The more I fight it; I can’t escape it
I saw a priest about it
He couldn’t help me either
I wished it would go away
I can’t go on with the gay guilt


The Hit
By Kazz Falcon

The hit will be unexpected
None will be the wiser
It’s best to be that way
No on can stop the hit
It must be successful first
Then, he will receive payment
I waited for a long time
He was the perfect choice to be the hit man
I trusted that he wouldn’t tell the police
I won’t go to jail; even it kills me
My fate was in his hands
I depended on him
Hopefully, he will get the job done
It means the world to me
It will be worth every cent
There won’t be any more pain or headache
Soon, that life will end
I won’t miss the dreadful life
The only difference between Terry and me
Her husband pulled the plug on her life
I had a choice to end things
I can live with the decision
Bring on the hit


Captured By Hate
By Kazz Falcon

I had such a beautiful wife
She was my joy and love
I adored everything about her
She was kind, sweet, loving, caring and a great comfort
She will do anything for you
I couldn’t ask for a better spouse
One stormy night, she didn’t come home on time
I became worried about her
It wasn’t like her to be late
I didn’t call the police
She wasn’t missing for 24 hours
I drove around the neighborhood in the rain
I noticed someone lay by the curb
I parked the car
I ran to check the person
My worst nightmare came true
I found her in a pool of blood
She bled to death
A thug stabbed her with a knife
Her purse was missing
He took my wife from me
How could someone do such a thing?
She didn’t have a mean bone in her body
I regretted for not protecting her
I wished I was with her
Things would be different
She would still be alive
I became angry
I couldn’t stop the rage
He will be sorry for killing my wife
He will pay with his life
I won’t stop till he is DEAD
The killing engulfed my soul within
The hate grew stronger by each second
I vowed to avenge her death
I was captured by hate


The Pressure
By Kazz Falcon

I was a TV actor
The network had lots of faith in me
The success of the show took us by surprise
It was renewed for five more years
I was making more money I could ever imagine
I didn’t thought I will be a success
I figured the show would last a few episodes
Boy, it took America by storm
I was never a part of that in my life
I was in failed sitcoms before
Lots of fans wanted my autograph
It was overwhelming
Everyone wanted to know my business
I wasn’t sure what to say
I wanted to keep my personal life PRIVATE
I was even in the tabloids
They told outrageous lies
They claimed I had an affair with another actor
They claimed I was a troublemaker on the set
They claimed I was an alien
They claimed I had a bastard child
The paparazzi continued to go after me everywhere
They waited at the front gate of my mansion
I wanted to be left alone
I had no privacy whatsoever
I tried my best to avoid them
I can’t go out in the public
I can’t get groceries
I can’t go to the movies
I can’t walk my dog in the park
I can’t do anything
I missed my old life
The fame held me captive
It was getting too much
I can’t handle the pressure


The End Of My Rope
By Kazz Falcon

I was tired and beaten
My addiction worn me down
Can’t you see my frown?
I shed a tear of millions
My boss noticed I wasn’t doing a good job
I mentioned I couldn’t get any sleep
He knew better than that
He released me from my duties
He promised my job would be waiting for me
Throughout the years, I was at many rehab centers
I couldn’t escape my addiction
It took control of my life
No matter how hard I try, I wasn’t able to stop
I always go back to heroin
The habit was hard to break
I injected it in the arm with a needle
It made me to feel so good
I don’t have a problem in the world
The heroin was the one I wanted the most in life
I didn’t care about anything else
I continued to lose everything AND everyone
I couldn’t handle what I became
I felt very bad that it truly cost me my life
It was the end of my rope


Grew Apart
By Kazz Falcon

We have been best friends like forever
We did about everything together
We were as close as two people can get
There was nothing sexual at all
Something changed the relationship
She moved away to Hollywood
We grew up in San Francisco
My heart belongs there
Home is where the heart is
I loved San Francisco very much
We hardly see each other that much
We hardly talk on the phone
Our lifes were much different now
She became a successful actress in the movies
I was a regular person
I had no desire to follow in her footsteps
I was happy being a housewife
I belonged with my two kids and the husband
She was like an aunt to the kids
She was the closest thing I had to a sister
Once she hit it big, she doesn’t have any free time
I felt like she was no longer a best friend
Sadly, we grew apart


Just A Fool In Love
By Kazz Falcon

I thought I found true love
Micky took my heart by surprise
We didn’t expect to be in a relationship
We were searching for something else
We did our own thing at the club
We dated for a while
Lately, I became the second’s best
I had no ideal why
I believed he really like me
Instead, he was more interest in his true love
I couldn’t compete with it
Most times, I ended up being alone more
I wanted so much to be with him
He called me to come over to my place
I put my day on hold
I just wanted to be with him
Sometimes, he stood me up
I became sad
He was with his true love
I didn’t like it at all
Yet, I continued to waste my time on his love
Why can’t I be in love with a real boyfriend?
Maybe, I was just a fool in love


Fed Up
By Kazz Falcon

I can’t stand my lover any more
He deceived me many times
He really don’t love me
His actions told me something else
I won’t settle being the second’s best
It must be all me or none of me
He can’t have it both ways
He loves something else more than me
I can’t continue to love him
Loving him was a big waste
I deserved someone better
Let him drown in his sorrows
I won’t be there for him
I made up my mind
I was moving on with my life
Perhaps, I will find true love some day
He lied that he will change his ways
His addiction was very strong
I won’t let it to drag me down
I gave up on him
I ordered him to stay out of my life
I was fed up


The Big Bully
By Kazz Falcon

The big bully taunted me every day at school
The school didn’t do anything
The teachers saw him as a perfect angel
In truth, he was a little devil
Oh, how much I hated him each passing day
I was tired of his abuse
So much, I vowed revenge
He won’t ever bother me again or no one else
I put the plan in motion
I told him to meet me at Dead Man’s Cliff
It was the only the two of us
No one can save his ass
He was no match for my anger
I fought him like never before
The anger controlled my every move
I beat him up very badly with a club
He tried to escape me
One final blow, he fell off the cliff
I called out for his name
There was no answer
I ran down the cliff
I feared the worse
I accidentally murdered him
I felt bad about what I did
I didn’t mean to kill him
I only wanted to scare him a little
I wanted to teach him a lesson
I don’t feel sorry for his death
The world was rid of him
I finally ended my heart wrenching pain
I was free of the big bully
 

Run Away
By Kazz Falcon

I had too many problems in my life
I couldn’t cope with them
I hoped they would end soon
They kept on piling up
I didn’t turn to drugs
I was taught that they were bad
They won’t solve my problems
Nor alcohol
There got to be another way
Even I prayed to God
I didn’t see any help from him
I need all the help I can get
I was getting frustrated
It was one let down after another
I couldn’t find a new job
I was behind the rent and the bills
My cupboard was bared
I had sleepless nights
I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown
My luck ran out in New Orleans
I tried my best every single day
Even that wasn’t good enough
I didn’t want to be homeless
Yet, I had no choice at all
There was one thing left to do
I made a choice to run away


Drug Addiction Baby
By Kazz Falcon

I felt so ashamed
My newborn baby was addiction to drugs
It was my entire fault
I did heroin with a needle
I just didn’t care
My main concern was the next hit
No matter how I get it, I put the baby in jeopardy
I wasn’t thinking about the baby
I wanted to get high at any cost
Sadly, I didn’t want the baby
I felt like the pregnancy ruined my life
I wasn’t ready to be a mother
I just punished my baby
I don’t deserve him
I was an unfit mother
I wanted no part of him
I didn’t see him after the birth
It was much better that way
My baby could have a REAL mother
She would take better care of him
I signed my parental rights away
I gave up the drug addiction baby


My Talent
By Kazz Falcon

My talent was from God
I always believed that with all my heart
I can speak through my art
I had a speech problem
It was a perfect exchange for me
The art was very powerful
People can get more out of the art
They complimented me whether it’s good or bad
Not all art will be that awesome
Some people won’t like all my art
I had no problem with that
That was natural for everyone’s passion
I always do my best
My art touches so many people
It means so much to me
I brought a little sunshine in their world
I was in no rush to get a book published
The web was a great way to reach out to many people
They could relate to any art
The thing about my art,
I want my art to be REAL as possible
We all can learn from my talent


Hit & Run
By Kazz Falcon

I was driving drunk in the rain
The rain was pouring down heavy
I couldn’t see clearly
I drove reckless from the clubs
I skid on the road
I lost control of the car
I run into something
I jumped out of the car
Dear lord! It was a man
God, no!
I accidentally run into him
I checked the person
He was in bad shape
He hung on to dear life
I didn’t know what to do
I was frightened
I don’t want to end up in jail
Hopefully, no one saw the accident
I know I was in deep trouble
I didn’t need more trouble
Damn! I hoped I didn’t kill him
I got back in the car
I drove away from the hit & run


The Eyewitness
By Kazz Falcon

I heard a loud noise from down the street
I was very curious
I had a feeling that something bad happened
I put on my raincoat
I strolled down the street
I kept my distance
I saw someone jumped out of a car
I couldn’t figure it out
Maybe, he got a flat tire
I was wrong
He didn’t check his tires
He looked scared about something
I saw it in his eyes
He didn’t stay long in the rain
He jumped back in his car
He sped off to parts unknown
There wasn’t something right
I went further down the street
I noticed someone by the curb
I run to the person quickly
I checked his vital signs
It didn’t look good
He may not make it
I dialed 911 on my cell phone
The ambulance and the police were on the way
I was the eyewitness


Michael Alig, The Party Monster
By Kazz Falcon

I was a famous club kid
I was a party promoter in Manhattan
I learned from my mentor, James St. James
Everyone wore outrageous costumes at the clubs
I assigned them names and personas
I opened a new world for them
They have never experience this kind of club life before
They can openly be themselves
There weren’t any hassles from anyone
Some people didn’t know what to think of us
I was very pleased with the club kids image
I developed an expensive drug habit
It didn’t stop me from partying
I still had a fabulous time everywhere
Nothing could stop the good times
Then again, something bad happened
I was sleeping
Angel, the drug dealer, barged into the apartment
I didn’t know what’s happening
He demanded some money
I didn’t pay him lately
He continued to be forceful
He wanted the money right then and there
Sorry, I had no money at all
He was aggressive with me
I was defending myself
Things were out of control
I bludgeoned Angel with a hammer
I poured Drano down his throat
I chopped off his legs
I dumped his body in Hudson River
Angel was no longer a burden
Thank Goodness it was over
I killed him in self-defense


So Called Love
By Kazz Falcon

I was in a relationship with this guy
The love was pretty good
It seems that way
He knew I had a drug problem
I tried my best to stop using heroin
Our love made it strong
I believed in myself
I know I can stop
I can feel it in my heart
Nothing will bring me back to the nasty habit
I have all the faith in the world
Things were great for me
Except for one thing – my boyfriend
He started to belittle me
He turned cold and nasty toward me
I couldn’t figure out why
I pleaded with him to stop
He mentioned that he was doing it for my own good
I didn’t understand that
It didn’t make any sense at all
He made me to feel awful about the heroin
He was mean and heartless
I cried silence in my sleep
I cried whenever he wasn’t there
I thought he loved me
How could he do such a thing?
I was doing the best I could
Yet, it wasn’t the best for him
He wouldn’t stop belittle me
It went on for weeks and weeks
He gave me a hard time
I couldn’t take it any more
I emotional broke down
Thanks to him, I used heroin again
He pushed me further back to drugs
I wasn’t that strong
He purposely held the drug habit over my head
He gave me a sorry excuse for being hateful
He wanted to punish me
He accused me of killing the unborn baby
I had enough of the so called love


Unknown Talent
By Kazz Falcon

Not everyone heard of me yet
I started out as small
I didn’t feel like I was ready for the big time
I need to gain experience as an artist
I wanted to start from the bottom of the ladder
Then, things will happen for me
I could see it
My art will get the world’s attention
I will take the world by storm
I will be on the way
All my dreams will come true
I won’t change at all
I will remain the sweet loving guy
I won’t forgot my TRUE friends
Nothing will stop me from living my dreams
Something bound to happen soon
I can feel it in my bones
As long I believed in myself, it will happen
There was nothing like going after my destiny
I was born to be an artist
It will take me far in the world
Who knows?
Dreams do come true
I will be living the American dream
Few people already noticed me on the web
The word of mouth was awesome
I was off to a very good start
Someday, I won’t be an unknown talent


Was It Me?
By Kazz Falcon

I thought my love was good enough
I gave him flowers
I gave him candy
I gave him gifts
I always mentioned, “I love you”
I shared my life with him
He even know my deep darkness secrets
I took him out on the town once in a while
I cooked him romantic dinners
He had my loving attention
He was distance from me
He was in another world
I wondered what went wrong
I was there for him
He didn’t return any love
I was heartbroken
I believed he felt the same way
Maybe, I was wrong
Maybe, I wasn’t giving him enough love
Was it me?


Out Of The Closet
By Kazz Falcon

Since I was a teen, I dreaded the moment
Back then, being gay wasn’t acceptable by the public
I stayed in the closet as long I could
I didn’t want any backlash
I feared to be gay bash
I didn’t feel safe in White Settlement
I was tired of living a lie
White Settlement was no longer home
The small town was a jail
I was trapped and miserable
I can’t be myself
Therefore, I moved to West Hollywood
Weho opened lots of doors for me
I was safer
I was very happy living there
I can be myself
I had freedom unlike White Settlement
I was proud of who I was – a gay man
I wasn’t ashamed
I came out of the closet


Gay Hate Crime
By Kazz Falcon

Man, oh, man!
I really hated the faggots
They grossed me out big time
That lifestyle wasn’t right in God’s eyes
It was plain wrong
It supposed to be a man/woman, not the same sex
They were ruining the human race
All humans should procreate
I was glad that God forbids them in Heaven
That was one place we will be free of them
I can’t tolerate the sick individuals
It really sickened me
I won’t stand for them any more
It was time for a serious beating
I drove around town late at night
A feminine guy was hitching a ride
I remained calm and pulled to the side
He needs a ride home to West Hollywood
I picked him up
I mentioned I know a short cut
In truth – I took him to a dark alley
Of course, I sexually misled him
He fell for my wicked charms
He was interested of getting it on
I planted a kiss on his lips
He foolishly let his guard down
I had him where I want him
I made my move with a knife
He was scared for his life
He pleaded for his safety
Hell, no!
I had to get rid of that faggot
The world will be better off without him
I stabbed him to death
There was no stopping the hate crime


Real Talent
by Kazz Falcon

Some people was mad at me
They don't see the whole story
They saw someone else in me
I was a REAL person in my art
They saw I was homophobia
They saw I was an unfit mother
They saw I was a killer
They saw I was a druggie
They saw I was an alcoholic
They saw I was black
They saw I was other people
They truly believed I was those people
I can't be THOSE people
I am a gay white male, artist & HIV +
I have a true passion for my art
I don’t want to limit myself to one type of art
It’s best to be versatile
I showed wide range of emotions
To be successful, they must see me as that character
Just like the actors in the movies
The audience needs to feel the pain and happiness too
They may relate to the character
What was the truth?
I can't be any of those things
I represent the REAL world in my art
I envisioned myself as those people
Just like the actors in the movies
As long we are convincing, it’s a job well done
That’s make us great artists
I don't want to hide from the truth
It does happen in real life
Probably, they was mad at THOSE people in the world
I don't care if they get mad at me
That really told me one thing
They were convinced that I was them
Meaning, I was a great artist
Yet, they don't see the real talent


Public Intoxicated
By Kazz Falcon

I woke up in a strange place
I have no ideal how I got there
I felt like I was in a cage
There were bars all around me
Nobody else was around
I wondered what happened
My head was pounding
I need an aspirin
Things became clearly to me
I had too much to drink at the clubs
The bartender took my keys
I was drunk to drive home
I didn’t take the cab either
I walked the drunkenness off
I figured I could make it home
I was quite lost in the streets
I ended up in an alley
I didn’t feel so great
I barfed up big time
I tried to stay awake
I can’t keep my eyes open
I heard someone was coming
Maybe, a friend found me
Thank goodness
I just wanted to go home
I was cold and hung over
Two men approached me
A flashlight shined on me
I couldn’t make it out who were them
I passed out on the ground
I know why I was in jail
I made a huge mistake
They arrested me for public intoxicated


DWI
By Kazz Falcon

I was stupid enough
I drank a lot at my friend’s place
We celebrated my 25th birthday
She wanted me to spend the night
I passed up her offer
I had to work in the morning
There was an important meeting at work
I was foolish enough to drive home
I thought I could drive
Boy, it was a big mistake
My driving was very reckless
I drove all over the road
I noticed the police followed me
I freaked out big time
I accidentally run through a stop sign
The police officer turned on his siren
Dear Lord!
I was in big trouble
I thought about outfox the police
Nah, forget about it
It wasn’t worth the trouble
I parked the car in a driveway
The police officer demanded to see my ID and car insurance
I gave him them
Man, he smelt the alcohol from my breath
He ordered me to get out of the car
I took a Breathalyzer test
I was over the limit
I failed the test
I failed to count to ten
I failed to walk a straight line
I failed to touch my nose
I failed to stand on one foot
I was arrested for DWI
 

Copyright 2005 Kazz Falcon

I have the spirit of an alien.
I need to find my own kind.
I must shed off the dreadful human skin.
It is very uncomfortable.