2001, October 21, Sunday

4:15AM, I woke up to a drunken Miguel at the front door. He said, "Stay right here. I would get it." I put on my glasses. He walked up to me in bed. I already know what happened. He asked for the money. I flat out refused. He pleaded with me more. I stayed in bed. I won't BAIL him out again! I claimed I didn't have the money. Bailing him out is letting him drink! Bailing him out is letting him drink! He crossed the dangerous road once before, many times before. He begged for more. I walked to the bathroom. I needed to use it. All the anger I had, it wouldn't come out at all. Miguel opened the door TWO TIMES. I couldn't pee. I opened the door. Thank God he wasn't around. I took out the money. Miguel came out of the kitchen.

I walked up to the taxi driver. He said, "I was talking him home. I'm sorry." I said, "No. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's his." I walked to the bed. Miguel locked the door. I yelled, "Where's the car? Where's the damned car?" So much, I want to tear him from limb to limb. But, no, I'm such a NICE PERSON and nice guys finish last! That's a crock and a half! If I'm a nice guy, how come I ended up PAYING for the price? Love wasn't all that! The price of love wasn't worth anything. We all end up heartbroken and yr insanity went through out the window!

I yelled at him more. Miguel broke down; there wasn't any new about that cheap trick! He sat down on the floor. He said, "I was in a accident. I wished I was dead." I could make that happen tonight! My first murder or was it my second attempted murder? Yes, I tried to kill before. No one knew the truth. I covered up the crime and went on with my life like nothing happened. I could do it again, but why? I came so far since my last attempted murder. It wasn't worth to kill him and give up my freedom again!

I got in bed and pulled the covers on me. Miguel cried on the floor. For some stupid reason, I got up and mentioned to get in the bed. I grabbed his arm. He wouldn't get up. I sat on the bed. I remembered I didn't sign out from online. I went to the desk. My good friend, mike, was online. I didn't want to bother him with my problem. Instead, they were talking about relationship in M4M relationship! Their ages were on the screen. I said, "31 and almost DEAD." A few laughed. Miguel crawled on his knees to his side of the bed. I just annoyed him.

I explained that my lover was in a car accident tonight, the second one in two months. A guy said he was sorry. I wasn't sorry at all. I wished Miguel would turn up dead the next car accident. Nope, it wasn't meant to be. God SPARED his life and others from his drunk driving. I wondered how come the police wasn't doing their job. They could have arrest him for drunk driving again and threw the key away for good! Also, the car should be IMPOUNDED too. I wouldn't mind taking the bus again! For sure, Miguel wouldn't drive drunk ever again! Miguel would never learn.

Our lives as I know it would never ever be the same. There goes his well paying job. Thank God that Miguel doesn't have the car. He would be out of job and we would be out on the street pretty soon! I won't pay the rent or fix the damned car again! I was A BIG FOOL to give him $100 on October 17; we had car troubles since last weekend. He made me to feel guilty, "I need the car to go to work. I really need it." Whatever! For sure, I would not BAIL HIS ASS again! This time, his sister could lend him the money! Wait till she finds out THE TRUTH of her alcoholic brother. I hoped to God that she turns him away! Miguel really needs tough love!

For sure, I won't be online that much longer. My free AOL for one year was up this month or the next. I won't pay for AOL, knowing I may not have a place to live. It wouldn't make sense to continue with AOL! The web should be less of my worries. I could always go back some day. I always can go online at the Village for free, one hour a day!

Miguel took off his clothes. He went to the kitchen for his favorite cereal! I started to write about Today's events in my journal. I haven't done Wednesday's yet! That day was something else too! Miguel ran into the iron board, some things fell to the ground! He picked them up. He ate on the bed. My nerves went down, the fire within settles firmly calm till tomorrow. I know we would get into another BIG FIGHT! I would stand my ground, HE MUST FACE UP TO HIS ACTIONS! I would bring up Wednesday, I gave him $100 to fix the car and look what happened tonight! Miguel has a drinking problem! Yet, I was the only one to notice it. What a shame! All he cares about is SEX, DRUGS and ALCOHOL!

Miguel fell asleep about an hour ago. I continued my journal. The time was 6AM. It seems like I wont go back to sleep. I was wide-awake! Miguel was still coughing up a storm! Yesterday, he was still having unsafe sex while HE HAS THE FLU or whatever he had! I found the douche thing in his fanny pack! Loves hurts! Well, I dont give a damn about his love. He can CONTINUE infecting people with the deadly disease, HIV! Yes, you heard it right! Miguel is HIV Positive! The police should arrest him for ATTEMPTED MURDER!

11:10AM, we both woke up. Miguel called out my name. I didn't want to answer him. I pretended I was still sleeping. He used the restroom. He walked up to the bed and shook me. I woke up, "What?" He said, "Get up. We are leaving. Bring your car keys." I stood up, "You could go by yourself. I don't want to go. I'm tired." He said, "You have a driver's license. Get some change. Come on." We got dressed. I hate bailing him out. I hope for the worse happen to the car.

We walked to the bus stop on Western to Sunset. I was that tired! He didn't want to sit down at the back of the bus. Tough luck! I wasn't going to stand all the way to Sunset. A seat became available. I sat in the back, followed by him. He wanted to get off on Santa Monica. We stayed on the bus. We can take the bus to Fairfax on Sunset. I didn't want to walk up from Santa Monica to Sunset; I didn't have the energy to walk! I almost fell asleep on the bus. We waited for a while on Sunset. He still thought we should have taken the SM bus! We could have stay on further to Hollywood Blvd. The Hollywood bus goes down Fairfax. We would get there faster! I wanted to go back home. I wasn't feeling it! I want to lay back in bed and go straight to sleep!

I forgot what street corner we got off at, but it was nowhere near Fairfax like Miguel claimed! We crossed the street and walked down a block. He thought the gate was locked. We followed a car through the gate. The car was park by the gate. I wondered where is the dent. Miguel mentioned both cars were perfect, no dents at all. Last night, he made a HUGE DEAL that the car was wrecked! I truly felt I have been had! He just pulled out the parking space and into the parked car; the alarm went off. The mad owner took the keys away from him. Miguel should be ashamed of himself; I lost sleep over nothing! He could have pick up the car alone!

I want him to get the car keys from inside Project Angel Food, the extremely popular HIV food meals! I figured the guy works there. We were in their parking lot! I should know. I volunteered one-time couple years back. It was extremely hard work. I never went back the next day or thereafter! Once was enough for me! Miguel refused to get his keys! I tell him again. He wouldn't! That made me upset even more! I was in no mood to fight or yell! He claimed he didn't have time, work at 2:30PM. I drove down Sunset by Wendy's and Burger King. He asked me if I was a hamburger! God, I should have turn the car around and head back to get the keys. We have time for a hamburger and not the keys! My God, the hamburger takes up more time than getting the keys! I turned right on La Brea to Santa Monica to Wilton to home!

1:10PM, I was surprised at the time. The bus takes up time. I figured it was about noon. Miguel wants my car keys. I told him to take them! I don't have nails to take the keys off! My keys were the only set we had left. Miguel's keys was long gone by now! Later on, a fantastic thought popped in my mind! What if Miguel gets into another terrible car accident, they would take the car keys away from him. We won't have a car to drive. He won't be able to go to work all over town! He won't be able to pay the rent! I can't wait till his whole family finds out THE TRUTH!!

Miguel explained the whole story - Since you already know the first part, I would finish the story. The guy was in an uproar. He demanded the car keys. He gave him them. He has no other choice! Yeah, right! Miguel could admit he has a freaking problem! Hell, no! He wants the easy way out, a slap on the wrist! Miguel was worried that he may get sue. The guy kinda scared him; he called the police on his ass! He really got nervous, more jail time for him! He didn't want that at all, no license and drunk driving! Somehow, he talked himself out of the situation and took a cab which I PAID FOR! Here I was, his damn BAILER! God, I wished I didnt meet that damn alcoholic fool!

I just lay in bed. I was too tired to do anything, even watching TV too! He gave me the TV remote. I want peace and quite for a while! Also, I was falling asleep! He ironed his work clothes. I turned on the TV; Nascar was on! I hardly watch Nascar! I love speed racing. I missed the car wreck of the 16 drivers! Miguel kissed me and mentioned he still love me! He even thanks me for going with him! The speed the drivers were going on the track, that's the speed that Miguel was on the crash course to his self-destruction! Even all the wrecks he has, he keep on speeding full speed ahead! He doesn't care for the other drivers on the track. He would wreck their cars and tried to reach the never ending finish line!

2PM, Miguel went to work. Thank God! I signed online for a couple of hours. I took a shower. Soon after, I got very tired that I couldn't go any further online. Today had worn me out in the worst possible way! 5:10PM, I took a one-hour nap. I woke up being depressed! I was so down that I can't even talk to people online or do anything else for that matter. I was EMOTINAL DRAINED! I really don't know how much more I could take from the slime ball! My health was shock to hell from all the drama! I truly felt if was getting weaker by the moment! It has been like that over 6 months now! I don't eat that often either! I just want it to be over with! My life wasn't worth the pain and suffering I get from Miguel Garcia! My body arches all over; I can't even sit up, stand for a long time!

My friend im me. His own boyfriend is still up to his old tricks! He wished his lover get herpes! I know how he feels! I really don't blame him for his wishful thinking. There's nothing wrong with that. That's how we feel during that time! More positive attitude and power to us! God wouldn't get mad at us! He already understands our troubles with our lovers! I mentioned that I hope Miguel would die or put in prison for drunk driving. Since he wants sex from others ALL THE TIMES, he won't have any problems of getting sex in prison!

I put it on EastEnders, the popular BBC soap on PBS! EastEnders was another favorite soap I hardly watch! A black character thought he has HEP B; he was worried and checked everything out. His good friend went with him to the clinic! Later on at the pub, we found out that he doesn't have it! Another storyline, some kids were pretty upset that their mom was in town. The mom let their father abuse them and her. She has no choice. At the end, they made up. They were glad she came after all! I could relate to both storylines, Miguel could have gave me STD or be abusive with me! Right now, it was MENTALLY ABUSE from him! My self-esteem was lowered than usual! I used to be happy all the time. Now, I was mostly sad. I was at a dead end street!

He thought I should get HIV testing. I told him the same thing! Last year, his come out negative! His boyfriend should get tested too! He believed he was afraid to know! Yeah, right! Since he wasn't afraid of getting STDs or HIV, he wasn't afraid of unsafe sex like my stupid lover! People must PAY THE PRICE for their actions no matter what the consequences are. He made a valuable point, why are we staying with our lovers? Beats me! I have no place to go! I can't afford a place on my own! Hmm, was that my point? One of us said, "Why we love them?" I think that was his point! I don't want to take someone elses credit! He went to bed.

I typed my journal online. I noticed Fun was online for a while. I sent him a quick IM. "I am letting u know that I may not have AOL next month! We won't talk a lot anymore on AOL. Under today's circumstances, it doesn't make any sense to get another year of AOL! You would know what happen." Fun understood. "I was glad I met you couple months ago! You have been a great help and a fantastic friend. I would try to keep in touch through email or AOL IM." Fun mentioned I could always email him. I gave him my new email address. He would want to know what's going on with me; it was nice getting to know me! I promised I would keep in touch. The village have free web for one hour each day! We said, "Good night." We would talk later on this week!

Now, the time was 11:20AM. Miguel hasn't come home yet. He probably went to get a drink after work! My nose was cold. Hmm, I may get a cold after all! Tomorrow, we need to pick up his paycheck if he come home tonight from wherever he was. On the Western bus, He promised he would pay me back the $100 plus the $30 taxi fair. I lied about the taxi. It was really $18. I want a profit from the cab! Hehe. I should be worth for profits from him. The hell he put me through this past couple months! I don't see it ending soon. I think I go to bed. I really need my sleep. I might as well put Enya on again; she is fabulous to sleep with! Her music always soothes me! Good night, everyone!