Sunday, May 1, 2005 - Last night, Miguel called me. He mentioned that Michael was angry at him. He cooked for them and Miguel wasn't even home for supper. Miguel cooked for me! Me bad!

Miguel mentioned to Mike that he was there for me because I was crying about some personal problem. In other words, Miguel flat out LIED to Mike.

Wait till Mike get a hell raising letter about Miguel. Even Miguel will be shock by the revelation! Hey, I want to help Miguel! LOL

Why not? I am such a nice guy! I don't want Miguel to get in trouble with Mike. I want to CONFIRM the truth to Mike in the letter.

Tuesday, May 3, 2005 - 10:10 PM - Miguel called me about the letter; Michael was pretty upset. He wanted to know why I sent it to Michael. I claimed I was on the other line and can't talk at the moment. I told him I would call him back. Miguel said, "No!" I said, "Call me in 30 minutes." I hung up the phone.

Man, the post office was quick. I mailed it yesterday and Michael got it today. Then again, it was in the same zip code, 90069.

Hmm, what will happen next? I assumed Michael would call the police. Well, I won't talk to them. I will plead the fifth!

Depression

Depression – Most feelings of depression are a reaction to an unhappy event. Depression can also appear as irritability, anger, and discouragement rather than feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

Distorted thought patterns, characterized by feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness are part of the "cognitive triad of depression," and can be a risk factor for depression.

It appears that a tendency toward depression is often genetic, but that stressful life circumstances usually play a major role in bringing on depressive episodes. Problems with depression usually begin in adolescence, and are about twice as common in women as in men.

Noticeably disturbed thought processes, poor communication and socialization, and sensory dysfunction indicate moderate depression.

People with severe depression are withdrawn, indifferent toward their surroundings, and may show signs of delusional thinking and limited physical activity.

The Major Events

1. Loss of a friend or relative

I lost my father in 1973 in a truck accident. Pops was making a left turn and, somehow, hit a telephone pole. The pole landed on the truck and crushed him to death.

2. The attempted murder

A while back, I got into a huge fight with this girl. I was very angry with her. I chased her with a knife. I wanted to kill her. The girl called out for help. Her mother showed up. She told her mother what happened. The mother confronted me, but I DENIED everything. I lied to get out of the mess I created.

3. Suicide thoughts throughout the years.

The first time – I was depressed in high school in 1987/88. I left a suicide note for my friends in class. They told the teacher; my mother showed up in school. The counselor sent to a shrink. I saw the shrink. I told him about my feelings. He didn’t believe me; he thought I was trying to get some attention.

Since then, I know the shrinks are a waste of time and money. They don’t want to help you.

4. Homeless – I was homeless so many times that I tend to run away from life and problems.

The homeless scorecard

1. Fort Worth – I was depressed and ended up in the street for a while to get the feel of the streets. I didn’t tell anyone I ran away from home.
2. Houston – I was depressed. I wasn’t happy living with Granny. I didn’t tell anyone I ran away from home. I was homeless less than a week.
3. Dallas – I made a decisionto run away again. This time, I ended up in Dallas. Of course, I didn’t tell anyone. I want my family NOT to look for me. I was homeless for a few months. I made a life there with the help of Kevin Nichols, Collette Shumate, Gary Gonzales and the gay church, Grace Fellowship in Christ Jesus.
4. Dallas again – I wasn’t happy in FW and went back to Dallas. My family didn’t know where I went. I was homeless for a short while till Nick, another homeless guy, and me got an apartment. I wasn’t happy living with Nick and his ABUSIVE boyfriend.
5. Los Angeles – I was depressed in Oak Cliff; Collette noticed I wasn’t happy with my life. I ran away for parts unknown in LA. No one knew where I was. I didn’t know anyone. I was homeless for two years till I got a place at Gower.
6. New Orleans – I got depressed and ran away from home. I lost my Gower apartment.
7. New York – I took the bus to Atlanta, Georgia. I was homeless for a few days then I left for New York City. The homeless life was much harder. I couldn’t take it after a few days. I went back to LA.
8. Los Angeles – I ended back at The Foundation House in West Hollywood for a few months. Someone sent a "dead" letter to Linda Harris. Linda mentioned to my family that I died from AIDS. My family looked for me and found me at the homeless shelter. Robin persuaded me to go home. I was there for two months. I was depressed and moved back to LA.
9. San Francisco – Miguel was driving drunk; he lost the car, his job and his apartment. Miguel mentioned that I must make plans for a place to live. I was depressed that I was homeless again, thanks to Miguel. Out of the blue on New Year’s Eve 2001, Richard offered me to go with him to San Diego for a week. I persuaded Richard that San Francisco is more fun. I loved SanFran so much that I decided to be homeless. I didn’t want to rebuild my life in LA for a third time.Once again, the homeless life was very hard that I left after a week.
10. Los Angeles – I ended up at PATH for six months. I moved in with Miguel for a while till I got my place on Waterloo. Miguel was pretty upset that I left him. Hey, I can’t trust him. Living on my own was smart move on my part.

5. Missing person report two times.

A.     Collette filled out a missing person report in Dallas. I was missing a few days in 1992.

B.     Tom Mitchell and Sean Davidson filled out a missing person report in LA in 1998. I was missing for a few days. Tom thought that someone was responsible for my disappearance; my place was in shambles.

6. Sober living – I lived in a sober living house in Long Beach AND Los Angeles to get off the damn streets in 1999.

7. I smoked when I am depressed.

8. Hit Man 4 Hire – I posted an ad on Craig’s List in January 2005. Two months later,the police traced the ad back to my computer. The police showed up and knew I wanted to kill Steve. I was in the hospital for a week in March 2005.

  In closing, Robert Hawk, FBI special agent, sent me an email; he wanted to talk on the phone, but I refused to talk to him. I know in my heart that I would get in trouble for the attempted murder.

  April 30, 2005, Saturday – I “revealed” the truth of the “attempted murder” to Miguel Garcia. I told Miguel about Robert. Later, Miguel called me, “Michael was mad at me for not being there for supper. I told him that he was there for my time in need.”

I felt bad about Miguel. It was basically “my fault” that Michael was pist off at Miguel. So, I wanted to confirm “the truth” to Michael Gilbert in a letter.