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2001 September 24, Monday

3:50 AM, I woke up.  Miguel was still not home from work.  This got to stop this week.  I'm so sick and tired of the mental abuse from Miguel Garcia!  It was breaking my heart.  I don't deserve any of this.  I can't go on like this.  Somehow, I got to stop this whether at the bank or his sister's house in Whittier. If not, I might as well pack it in and leave him altogether.  It isn't worth the troubles I face with him being a damn ALCOHOLIC.   It's getting too much AND too expensive!  It was taking a toll on my life and well being.  I don't know how much longer I could put up with him.

I used the restroom and jumped back in the bed.  I heard a car drove up.  The time was 4:02 AM.  I pretended I was sleeping under the covers!  Miguel walked in, got undressed, ate something, kissed me, put the damn str8 video in the VCR, ate some more, turned on the TV and kissed me lots of times.  I tried to pretend, but I was smiling.  I acted that he woke me up.  "I said, "Miguel, you scared me.  You woke me up!"  I knew he wanted sex again.  Miguel went back to the kitchen.  I took out the video.  I asked, "What is this?"  I didn't wait for his answer.  I went back to bed.  He said, "We need to go to my brother's.  The car is not working right.  Please set the alarm for 8 AM."  All I said, "Good night, good night." He turned off the TV and fell asleep fast.  God, I hope my revenge plans didn't change.  I really didn't want to go to his brother's first.  I was set on getting back my money first!  Please God, let stay with my plans!  I had a feeling that if we go to his brother's first in Whittier, I may never get my $368 back from him. 

I waited for a while.   I turned on the kitchen light.  I checked his pants for his wallet, nothing.  I went to the brown desk; it wasn't there either.  I thought about going to the car.  It must be there; maybe something else or someone else!  I check the notebook pad for his work times.  I couldn't find them.  He always keeps track of the hours he works.  Hmm, I should look again in the daytime.  I wanted to hide his car keys from him.  Nah, forget about it.  Let him DRIVE to his death!  I turned on the computer to write the journal. 

4:49AM, He woke up and rushed to the restroom.  He left the door open a little.  I kept on writing.  He got in from my side.  It looks like he wanted sex.  BLAH!   He lay on his stomach.  I looked again, he bend over on my side.  Suddenly, he rushed back to the restroom again at 5:05 AM.  I may not get a chance to look in the car for some kind of evidence!  LOL  I hoped he goes back to sleep soon.  I might as well too.  I was getting sleepy again so early in the morning. 

5:12 AM, Miguel turns off the kitchen light and went to bed.  I still pondered to go down to the car.  He said," It isn't working right."  I could use that as an excuse to look at the car at this very moment.  Hmmm, I better wait till he fully falls asleep!  I heard he took some deep breaths.  That means one thing, he is in lots of pain!  Oh well, Life goes on.  He's no longer my problem.  Death must be upon him soon or a hospital visit again!  I don't mind being both! I got nothing to do with his untimely death or the visit.  HE BROUGHT IT UPON HIMSELF!! It sounds like I am cold hearted.  Yeah, right!  That's how I really feel.  I was expressing my feelings.  If someone else were in my shoes, they would be the same way!  AMEN!  I looked at Miguel in the dark.  I believed he was sleeping.  Should I go now or wait till the morning time.  Oops, it was already morning!  I think I wait till I wake up.  Miguel was calling for me, "Baby!"  His baby grown up and moved away!  He was all alone now, but he still have his family in Whittier.  Let them handle Miguel!  I washed my hands from him! 

I woke up at 5 till 8 AM.  Miguel wanted to get a head start on the day to fix the car.  I tried to wake him up.  He didn't want to get up.  I just lay there for an hour, thinking about the revenge.  It really got me down.  I dressed up.  Miguel saw me walked out of the door.  He asked, "Where are you going?"  I didn't answered and close the door behind me.  I went down to the car.  I opened the trunk and found his wallet.  As expected, Miguel took out about $40 at Ralphs and Axis, one $20 at separated times.  I put the receipts in my top pocket.  I decided to get the gate remote too!  I went upstairs.  Miguel was in the restroom.  He asked, "Where do u went?"  I lied, "The mailbox."  I lay down on the bed.  He got ready.  He wanted me to go with him.  I declined.  He used his sad eyes.  I got a bright ideal; I would go unless he gives me the money.  I don't trust him anymore.  I want my money back by today! He agreed.  I pulled the car out of the spot.  A frantic Miguel looked for the remote.  I got it out of my pocket to open the gate.  Miguel said, "Don't play games with me."  I replied, "Why?  You wanted to play.  We would play your game!" 

I took him to the office.  He picked up his check.  I asked, "Where to?"  He said, "Larchmont."  I headed down on 3rd.  He mentioned we should have gone to the post office.  We could do that tomorrow.  He changed his mind, "Melrose."  He told me a funny story about work; I didn't pay that much attention to him.  There might be less people at the bank.  He went ahead of me.  I parked the car.  I walked in.  I was impressed; there were three people in line.  Miguel was the first in line; I joined him.  We went up to the counter.  Miguel put the money in his account.  It was my turn for my check.  I forgot to put my ATM card in my wallet.  We were about to leave.  Miguel thought I still could do it.  We went back.  The worker explained I need the account number.  I don't know by heart.  We drove off.  I remembered my wallet was in the backpack.  Yeah, I had it all along!  Oh well. 

We went to his sister's in Whittier.  His niece showed us her bunny!  Paco, Miguel, Olga and I looked at the car.  His family loved it.  Paco checked out the car.  The muffle was off and the oil leaks!  We had lunch.  I had Mango!  Paco did the oil for us.  We were running late.  I drove dangerously close to the cars in the freeway.  Miguel really freaked out!  I could have caused some accidents. I was drifting away to depression.  I didn't care if I hit someone.  I just wanted to get home; home that wasn't mine anymore.  Home has a different feel to it.  Miguel said, "Take me to work." I said, "I'm too hot to drive." 

I parked in our spot.  Miguel raced against time.   I wanted to help him out, but why should I care if he is late for work?  I looked up the address for him online.  It would take him 23 minutes on the freeway, 10 and 420.  I sometimes, add more minutes to the travel time.  LA traffic is hell!  I turned on the TV.  Liz Taylor was on Rosie for a full hour.  It lifted my spirits up some. This Saturday's work was cancelled.  I said, "You wanted a Saturday off.  They can fix the car."  Miguel said, "Not this Saturday.  I don't have enough money for the auto shop!  You could give me some money.  Would you?" I didn't even respond to the money!  I wouldn't DARE to give him any more money!  He asked again.  I continued watching Rosie.  Miguel dropped the money subject!  I know he would bring it up again. I would NEVER EVER give him money or BAIL him out again!  Since he LOVES TO PARTY, he could use his party money instead!  His drinking comes first.  I doubted that he would stop drinking.  He has been going NON STOP for a while! 

3:07 PM, Miguel went to work.  He needed to be there at 3:30.  Hmm, the check crossed my mind.  Since I can't trust him anymore.  It was best to go to the bank now.  I knew Miguel would keep on partying his money away.  I put the dirty dished in hot water.  I finished watching Rosie.  I didn't want to miss a minute of Liz, my mom's favorite actress. 

I left the apartment.  I tried the code.  It didn't work.  I can believe it.  Yesterday, Miguel says the code work.  Some guy showed him.  Miguel dialed the code and walked through!  I tired it again.  Nothing.  I was lock out of the building.  I should have put on the pants and bring the coat.  I may not get in when I get back.  I tried again.  It was a success.  I walked to the bus stop on Western.  The bank was on Western and Olympic.  I decided I might take the bus often!  Miguel could drive the car.  I deposited the money in my account.  I think the money would be there by tomorrow or Wednesday.  I looked down the street for the bus.  It was not coming.  I walked from Olympic to all the way home.  My feet were hurting along the way.  I wore the sandals! 

I noticed two women went to the gate.  I ran across the street.  I was happy that I could go in the apartment!  God was looking out for me!  A lady was on crutches.  I hold the door for them.  They didn't know I was there.  I kinda scared them.  The mother was grateful.   I waited till they got to the top step.  I walked by and ran up the stairs!  I lay by the fan on Miguel's side of the bed.  I watched Days Of Our Lives before I wash the dishes.  I let them soak in the water an hour or so. I got more depressed.  It begun to sunk in!  Miguel's drinking completely DESTROYED my life!  My love was DESTROYED in the process too!  I wanted to cry, but I didn't.  Why shed some tears for Miguel, the ALCOHOLIC?  It is not worth it.  He wants to DRINK and SLEEP AROUND!  He could have that and not me.  I would go for it.  I washed the dishes.  I watched more TV.  I got more depressed.  I don't think I could handle the depression when Miguel gets home.  I know I would lose it big time.  Sometimes, my sadness is too powerful to control.  I would break down and cry! 

As I write this journal tonight, I am so sad and depressed.  I want to cry in my sorrows and go to bed alone without Miguel.  I think Miguel would come home drunk once again.  He took some regular pants and shoes with him to work.  He doesn't work tomorrow.  I hope he stay out all night!  I can't face him tonight!  It is making me UTTERING sick of the events. 


I have the spirit of an alien.
I need to find my own kind.
I must shed off the dreadful human skin.
It is very uncomfortable.