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2001, October 12, Friday

8:10AM, I woke up.  It was so heavily on my mind.  I couldn't go through with it.  I put it in the fanny pack.  An hour later or so, I put it back in the spot.  Yes, I sound like a hypocrite.  Who cares?  He does need tough love!  His family doesn't know what really going on with him.  Only God and I know the horrible truth.  I just want to do the right thing.  Yes, my conscious got the best of me when I woke up!  Living with an alcoholic changes everything!  You would do anything and everything to get your life back in order!  I truly felt awful doing certain things to him.  I can't let his problem control the situation or me for that matter.  I must be in control at all times.  If I let my guard down, the problem would be in control!  I must remain strong in spite of doing something drastic!

I was online during Y&R.  He woke up and needs to use the phone.  He cancelled his ATM card.  That wasn't the first time he did that.  Last year, I stole his ATM card from his wallet.  We ran into some problem after work one Friday night.  He called me from Universal Studios to pick him up!    I waited for him at a place by the 101 Freeway.  He called me on the cell phone.  I was at the wrong gas station, a block away from where he waited for me.  I drove up. 

A drunken Miguel waved someone across the street at the bus stop!  Oh, brother! He wants to take that smelly guy to the beach.  I was extremely upset with him!  I can't believe he just did that.  He could have wait for the bus.  I tried to convince him that we couldn't trust strangers.  His drunken self refused to listen to reason!  He was so out of it, Let's face the fact - drunks couldn't less who they help.  I wasn't feeling safe with him in the back seat.  Miguel's backpack was with on the floor with him.

I told them both that I would take them halfway.  I didn't want to go all the way to the beach.  I was so tired.  And I didn't trust the guy at all!  I turned on San Vincente from Santa Monica Blvd and dropped him off at the corner of Pico and San Vincente in a parking lot.  They got out of the car.  I watch them both very closely behind the car through the mirror.  They talked for a while.  Miguel got his wallet from his backpack in the back seat.  That really steamed me off.  Here I was, VERY SOBER and that drunken fool gave a completely stranger $5 or more.  I yelled at him to get in the car.  He wished the strange well.  We drove off.

Of course, I yelled at him about the stranger.  He didn't think much of it.  He was so wasted and fell asleep!  I took it upon myself to help him anyway including desperate measures! We arrived home.  I sent him to bed; he was so DRUNKEN TIRED from work.  I took out his ATM card from the wallet and hid it in the closet.  I already have a story!  LOL Saturday morning, he noticed the ATM card was missing.  I convinced him that the guy could have taken it.  He believed the story and cancelled the ATM card.

12:10PM, Miguel got ready for the DWV to get a new ID.    I mentioned "I need to finish getting my shots for HEP A/B."  The doctor told me I must come back in October!  Miguel asked, "What time?" I said, "They didn't gave me a set time.  I have to show up."  Miguel brushed his teeth.  I dressed up too; I was going with him somewhere.  Miguel came out the restroom.  He asked, "Do you have $20 for the ID."  I looked in my wallet, no cash!  He kinda got upset.  I said, "Sorry, I don't have it."  He went to the bed.  I went to brush my teeth.  I noticed he took off his pants.  I walked out the restroom.  I asked, "What are you doing?  I thought you want to go."  He sat up in bed with his arms on his head.  He said, "I'm not going."  I asked "Why?"  He angrily said, "I'm not going."  I was dumbfounded and shock! 

I was hoping he could drive after I was drugged.  The last time for the shots, he drove the car for me.  Boy, I was out of it.  I said, "Come on.  Get dress."  He refused.  I said, "I need to drove from the doctors.  I would be drugged."  He said, "Take the bus!"  I didn't want to take the bus; it was getting late.  The first time for the shots in April, I was out of it on the bus home; he dropped me off and went to work.  For sure, I don't want to take the bus and the gate code was not working.  I could have taken the gate remote from the car.  Then he would be stuck at home with the car!  I knew he would be mad if I did that!  LOL

Since he wasn't budging from the bed, I might as well to stay home and go on Monday.  If he isn't working, I take the bus with the remote first thing in the morning!   I went online for Today's entry of the journal!  1:30PM, someone beeped him.  I thought it was work.  I sign off to let him to use the phone.  He got dressed.  I heard him by the door.  I pushed back in my chair.  He took his fanny pack and opened the door.  I asked, "Where are you going?"  He said, "Out of here."  We both repeated ourselves.  He closed the door.  I went online again.  He drove off to parts unknown!  I had a feeling that his other loser for a boyfriend beeped him!  Oh well!  I hope soon that Miguel would let me go from the mentally abuse relationship, among other things!! 

2:20PM, he came back to take me to the doctors for my shot.  He said, "Come on!" I looked at him.  He said, "Come on.  Let's go."  I didn't want to go anywhere with the slut.  I don't trust him as far I could throw him, which isn't far. My first thought was he could have some beat me up outside or when we are at the doctors, someone could have break in and took all our stuff.  I asked, "Where?"  He said, "To get your shot.  You want to go today."  I said, "It's getting late."  He said, "It's only 2:30PM.  We can make it." I really want to go on Monday; we can have space for today!  I already made up mind for this coming Monday.  I said, "Why should I go?  You gave me attitude since noon.  It's not my fault I don't have the money on me."  He said, "Fine." 

He went to the restroom. I put on my clothes.  He went out of the door down the stairs.  I saw my chance; I could get rid of it when we were out.  I put it in my pocket.  Soon enough, he came back with the mail. I decided to take my backpack and my bus pass too.  He might leave without me.  I already had a back up plan if he does!  We got in the car.  He was the driver without a license!  We took 6th St. Along the way, he mentioned that I don't have to worry about him; he would be the f@cking slut.  We can do our own thing.  I explained I don't want to talk.  We were on the way to see the Drs. I don't want my nerves to be shock or break down in the Drs office. 

A while later, he brought up the same thing with a twist; I should pay $250 for rent.  I didn't even responded.  Why should I pay rent?  He still ole me over $1,800 for the TV, bed, TV stand.  We went half on some things. I only paid for the VCR and the microwave oven.  Since he ole me, that could be my rent for 8 months tops!  If he moved or kicked me out, he would pay me for the remaining rent!  That seems fair to me!  I don't have to worry about the rent!  I would be 8 months in advance! I don't think he would go for it.  I don't want to take everything when I move out.  I only want my clothes and the computer.  He could have everything else.  I don't want to drag lots of things around with me! 

I mentioned I want to pick up my mail at the post office.  He took me.  I first went to my box.  He couldn't see me at the wall table.  I threw it away.  A lady saw me.  I only keep some certain stuff, namesake stuff, in my pocket.  I got in the car.  We were on the way to the doctors.  The street was block off.  We went around the whole block to park.  Miguel used the restroom.  I waited in the office.  He sat by me.  The receptionist wondered I was here for the HEP B shock.  Of course, darling.   A nurse called me back.  I sat down by the window.  I filled out some paper.  Another nurse came in.  She explained to the first nurse that I already fill one out.  I showed the nurse the card.  I pointed at the month' October is the 6th month.  She gave me the shot.  She placed free parking stickers on my parking card.

I didn't see him in the waiting area.  I knew where he was.  I opened the restroom door.  He dried his hands off.  We got in the car.  He wanted some candy in the back seat.  Hello, the candy is where you left them, the tape section.  He pointed at the sucker, Hmmm, and what a biggest sucker he is!  LOL I gave him the sucker.  He mentioned I was stupid.  I let that slide.

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.  All I can and would say in this journal, he is the one WHO IS SO DAMN STUPID!  He broke up with me to be an f@cking alcoholic, druggie, sex addiction, disease STD infected slut!  Wow, that's saying a lot about him! He passed up a wonderful thing in me!  ANOTHER STUPID LOGIC - he picked alcohol, drugs, unsafe sex, and STD over true real love!  Is that stupid or what?  The alcohol and drugs really affected his mind!  He really needs big time help!  I could do ten times better than the f@cking, alcoholic, druggie, sex addiction, disease STD infected slut!

He dropped me off.  The gate opened.  I walked to the apartment!  I have time to use the scissors!  I put the trash away in the spot; he wouldn't find it.  I turned on the TV and sat on the bed writing down the Today's events.  He came home with the newspaper.  I decided to go to the computer; we need our space.  He asked, "Do you want to talk now?"  I said, "You said I could think about it.  I need to think about it."  It was the furthest thing from my mind.  I would let it come to me, and then we could talk about being roomies!  The stuff we brought together should be my rent, 8 months worth!  I really don't want the stuff!

He stood by the bed.  He asked, "Are you going to think about it." I rolled my eyes, "Yes!"  He accused me, "You are never there for me. I'm always there for you.  I ask you for the money.  You refused!  You could lend the money and I would pay you back."  I wished he stopped complaining and telling lies!  MORE LIES FROM HIM, HE DOES NOT PAY ME BACK!  He continued, "I need the money for the ID.  No, you don't want to do that." I yelled, "I told that I don't have the money.  I looked at my wallet."  He said, "Don't yell at me.  You didn't look at it."  YES, I LOOK IN FRONT OF HIM.  Ladies and gentlemen, please meet the new queen of stupidity! 

I yelled at him more.  He told me to shut up.  I kept on.  He looks at the newspaper, I did my journal.  We went to neutral corners if there were ever one.  He checked his cooking in the kitchen.  He sat on the bed, looked at newspaper.  I got up, grabbed my wallet, "Okay, hot shot!   Where is the money?  See.  See.  See.  See.  See."  I went through every pocket.  He got up to the kitchen.  I said, "Where is my f@cking money?  I don't have any on me.  Fine.  Walk away."  I went back to the journal!  He came back with his food.  He said, "I hope you move out!  I hope you do!"  As long as I pay the rent, I could be his roomie.  Got that, Miguel?

Passed 7PM, He groaned about something.  I think he was in pain!  I asked, "Are you okay, babe?"  He didn't say anything.  He gave me the dreadful silent treatment.  Miguel watched Wheel Of Fortune.  I joined him in my chair with legs on the bed.  A black lady solved the puzzle, "I think you are on to something."  I agreed with her.  I said, "Yeah, Miguel, I think you are on to something.  Let's talk about being roomies."  No talking yet.  I said, "Fine, do the silent treatment.  It isn't doing us any good.  You can have it your way."  I went back to the journal!


1) No alcohol, drugs or whatever bad habits there might be.

2) Mature responsible adults

3) Live separated lives as much as possible.

4) We pay for our own way, the food, and the toiletries!  No asking for money!  It could cause problems. 

5) No shady characters

6) No silent treatment.  It could cause problems!

7) No stupid games.

8) No sex with each other. 

9) If Miguel and/or I moved out sooner, he has to pay me for the remaining rent.

The Roommate Situation

Miguel wants me to pay half the rent, $250 each month.

I just remembered something; I do pay all the bills since the beginning.  Therefore, the rent should be about $200.

He still ole me over $1,800 for the TV, queen size bed, TV stand, the nightstand, the dresser and others.  We went half on some things. Since he ole me, that could be my rent for 8 months tops!  If he moved or kicked me out, he would pay me for the remaining rent!  That seems fair to me!  I don't have to worry about the rent!  I would be 8 months in advance!  I only want my clothes and the computer.  He could have everything else.  I don't want to drag lots of things around with me!

I have the spirit of an alien.
I need to find my own kind.
I must shed off the dreadful human skin.
It is very uncomfortable.