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2001, October 23, Tuesday

5:10AM, You know the drill. I woke up. Like always, Miguel come home drunk as a skunk. I pretended I was sleeping. He woke me up to talk. He wondered where I was all day! I mentioned that where was he all night. Case closed! I tried to go back to sleep. Miguel kept on talking. He claimed that he was with his lesbian friend, partying! No surprise there! I knew he would be partying! He somehow managed to leave in the car. I had the remote with me all day yesterday! Hmm, he would do ANYTHING to get a drink at any length!

I did my damnest to sleep again. A few times, I told him I was sleeping. He contunied talking. I tried to fall asleep. Miguel brought up that he would go clubbing with the same friend AND (a big if) wants me to go with them this Friday night! It sounds like an great ideal for the moment. I could have a coke at the club then leave their asses at the club! I may even go to a friend's house for the night. Miguel would not find me at all! Perhaps, I could make a dramatic scene at the club before I leave! Let the police come too! I would make nice with the police. Then Miguel would have lots of explained to do!

I didn't pay attention to his conversation! I was more interest of getting sleep than him! I felt like Mariah Carey is coming on me, not in a sexual way! I could feel the exhauston coming on. I would end up in the hospital soon. My body arches! I couldn't stand up that long or walk very much! A few times, i almost fell over from standng up! My eyes were closed! He walked over to my side of the bed. He bugged me more. This time about the car. He wanted to park the car in our spot! I could less! He could get a ticket for all it worth! We can't park on 6th from 7AM to 9AM. He kept pestering me.

The sooner i move the car, the sooner I could get more sleep! I dressed up in my pants and long sleeve. He only wore shorts and a tshirt in the cold. Miguel walked out of the door without his keys. i saw them on the front desk! I asked, "Where is your car keys?" He said, "You have yours. We can use them." I went outside. I said, "Hello, I don't have the car keys. You have mine." He came back and gave me the keys. I said, "Miguel, lock the door." We were on the way to the car.

We walked to the corner. He told me that he would wait for me at the corner. I claimed I didn't see the car. He took me to the car across the street. I unlock the door. I saw a sign. It wasn't not the sign I want, 35 MPH. I saw another one down the street. I ran up to it. Miguel was right, we can't park from 7AM to 9AM! Damn, i wished he didn't saw the sign. I would stay in bed and sleep! We got it in the car. He mentioned that we need to fix the mirror on his side. DUH! He could have done it yesterday on HIS DAY OFF! No, he wanted to PARTY with his alcoholic friends. He picked drinking over the mirror!

We parked the car and went upstairs. I turned off the lights and went straight to bed. He sat on his bed side. He wanted to talk more, "Would I leave him?" I didn't even respond to the question. Let the silence be my weapon. He can sweat it out! Let him really think about it! He started to cry, feeling sorry about his sorry ass. Being silent is powerful! He claimed no one cares for him and so forth! He went to the kitchen and closed the door. I heard him making popcorn. By now, I was wide awake. I got up and weent online.

7:40AM, Miguel was coughing. I turned around. It looks like he vormit the food up. I saw it dripping from his mouth! He didn't notice it and swallowed it! EIW!

I kept on falling asleep with my glasses on during the View. He hasn't stop by at 10AM. I was pretty tired; it caught up with me! I took off my glasses to sleep! 10:50AM, there was a knock at the door. I was out of it! Sleep was on my mind. I haven't had any good night sleeps lately! I was still exhaustion for the longest time! Miguel ran in the nude and answered the door. I didn't want to know what's up at the door. I just want my long overdue deserved sleep! I figured it was probably Sam at the door; Miguel doesn't want me to answer the door at all.

This time, Miguel didn't send me to the cage. I barely hear them talking. I tried to make it what they were talking about it. I sat up and listen carefully! He explained he was here to meet someone from online. Oh, boy! He came after all. I thought he would never come. I assumed he knew I cancelled our Today's plans. I email him this morning! Maybe, he didn't read the email i sent him. I thought Miguel OBSESSED control the situation and the friends I have! He was like a dog on a bone! He wants answers from Ken. He gave him more details, "the address, phone number and my name."

I couldn't believe it. Miguel let it all hang out in front of him! Hmm, from the looks of things, he didn't mind showing the full monty to Ken! Do I care? Yes, I didn't want Miguel mess with a good friend of mine. Ken already know what Miguel is like, an alcoholic slut! I was embarrassed by Miguel's actions to Ken! I walked quietly up to the door. I whispered to Miguel to close the door. I didn't want to slam the door on his face. He came a long way to hang out with me! I whispered again. Miguel looked at me crazy. He asked me if I met him online. I couldn't deal with Miguel anymore! He just destroyed my friendship with Ken!

I went in the restroom to think something fast! I heard them talking in the apartment! Miguel mentioned I was online a lot and chats with the men! I closed Miguel from my mind! I was stuck between a hard place and a rock! Miguel wondered why I was in the restroom. I lied, "Using the restroom!" Miguel needs to use it! I came out; Miguel went in! Ken sat in my desk chair. I didn't know what to say. I was beyond shock about Miguel! I dressed up as fast I could. I asked, "Want to go to the movies, eat out or what?" Ken declined; he didn't want to be in the middle of it. I don't blame him. Ken just wanted to say bye to us!

Ken followed me to the kitchen. I grabbed the alcohol bottle. He saw it was half empty. Ken sat back down. I put it in the backpack! I sat on the bed to put on the shoes! I whispered, "I'm sorry for wasting your time." He said it was okay! He kissed me on the face a few times. Ken is a sweet fellow. My first impression was he has the positive friendly attitude! I need some of that! My life may go up! I think his first impression of me was downright nasty! He didn't expect any of this! Miguel came out the restroom. He asked, "Did you know each other?" Ken volunteered an answer, "No, it was a mistake. We have never met before." I agreed with him. I think Miguel believed the both of us.

Hmm, cover up my track! Why on God's green earth I did that? Ken and I did nothing wrong. We are not the bad guys here. We were going to hang out today! Here I was, I felt like I was caught in a lie. Miguel was the lying cheating alcoholic slut, not me! I repeated, Ken and I did nothing wrong! Last night, Ken offered to spend the day with me. I need some time from Miguel like I had yesterday with Mike. I need peace of mind and get some energy back in my life.

Ken says goodbye and left the apartment. I was hoping I could spend some time with him, but Miguel really messed up our plans for Today. If Miguel stay passed out a little longer, I could have spent the day with Ken! No, the drunken fool woke up and spoiled everything! I was disappointed the plans were ruin! Now, I was BORING stuck at home again! Yesterday was fun with Mike. I was happy that I could go out in the world again! I want more fun with Ken today! I knew we would have a ball. We could went anywhere like the movies, hang out, the beach, Melrose. We would talk about anything except Miguel!

Miguel asked, "Do you know him?" I lied, "It could be someone else!" He asked, "Where are you going?" I said, "The post office." I wanted so much to get away and look for him! I ole Ken an explanation big time! Since we went with the lie, I couldn't tell him about the email I sent this morning. I wanted to tell him outside. Miguel was watching me closely! He offered to go with me to the post office! Oh, no! For sure, I couldn't catch up with Ken! He would probably be long gone! Miguel asked, "You know where my work schedule is?" He looked on the front desk. I put the bottle back in the kitchen! Miguel thought it was in the car. I would look for it and bring it up. I forgot his work schedule was by the window! Finding Ken was the only thing on my mind! I left the apartment.

I didn't see Ken around. He drove off. I got in the car. I was sad I missed him in the street. I turned on 6th street. I thought I saw him in a black car in the driveway on the right. Nah, it couldn't be him. He wants nothing to do with me! I bet Ken was mad at me! I went to the post office. I threw the junk mail away. I came back home! I gave his November work schedule. I showed him that he had it already by the window. Miguel wants me to look up an address.

First things first, I checked the email I sent to Ken! Dear Lord, I sent it to the wrong Ken this morning! Both Kens have similar names except 2 and to! I didn't notice that in the morning. I was barely awake when I send the email! I didn't think twice of checking the names. I made the same mistake a few weeks back! I really felt awful now about Ken. I wasn't paying that much attention to the email! No, I was too damn tired; the exhaustion got the best of me! Someday, the exhaustion would put me in the hospital! I felt it in my bones. I was getting too tired to do anything. The exhaustion was taking over my life!

Miguel wanted me to lie next to him. Oh, brother. I really didn't need that now, NOT SEX! I want to send Ken an apology in an email! I explained that I send the email to the wrong Ken and so forth! I hope Ken forgive me for ruining his day! I sent him two emails. Miguel still wants me to lie next to him. I did for a few minutes. I went back to online. He woke up again. I mentioned that I need to find the address and write it on paper. I was buying time; he wouldn't pass out again. I knew he was still drunk! I know that Ken smelt alcohol on his breath! And he didn't look that good it either Ken or me! He has to pass out soon! I need time away from him! I need to gather my thoughts.

Sometimes, he doesn't tell me the time to wake him up. This time I woke him up. He says 2PM! I continued watching my soaps. I woke him at 2. I was tired. I lay down for a while. Passions was quite good again, two days in a row! It seems to go faster now! Thanx God! Miguel laid his head by my stomach! He waited for a while to take his shower. We did a good impression of SAM! He does it well! He wants me to top him! Hell, no! He would get no tops from me anymore! He was still sleeping around! I went online again! Miguel played his Celine Dion CD loud! My head was bounding! He went in the restroom to get ready. I turned of the CD player and watch Passions once again!

3:30PM, he went to work! I watch Rose for while. Then I watch Days Of Our Lives on tape! I almost fell asleep during Days. No, days was good today, thanx to the catfight between Nicole Walker and Sami Brady in Nicole's office! Lately, I was too tired to so anything else. Miguel's drinking was COSTING ME MY SLEEP! Then I did my journey again! I need to catch up on some dates in the journal! I have not done Oct 17 and didn't finish Oct 22. I should do them before Miguel get home! I don't want to forget a thing in my journal! Then again, this past couple of days, I thought about I may give up the journal! If I continued missing more dates, I don't want to keep on doing the journal anymore!


I have the spirit of an alien.
I need to find my own kind.
I must shed off the dreadful human skin.
It is very uncomfortable.