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2001, October 11, Thursday

9:30AM, I woke up next to Miguel. He looked at me with his sad face. He asked, "Are you going to leave me?" I said, "Leave me alone." He continued looking at me. I said, "I don't want to talk about it." He turned over and faces the wall. I lay in bed, getting bent out of shape. My anger is fueling the fire within! I couldn't stand lay next to him and even look at him. I kept the fire under control. I did what I should have done long time ago, walk away! I need some time alone. I got dressed. Miguel was fully asleep! I grabbed my daybook and the bills!

I was on the way to the Post Office first. I noticed there was something wrong with the car. Sometimes, I step on the speed pedal; the car didn't go as fast as it once did! I reached about no further 25 MPH, then the pedal kicked in to normal! It happened throughout the morning. Well, Miguel somehow messed up the car once again! First, he wrecked the car last month, drunk driving. Second, the muffler, it was lose. Now, the speed pedal! I didn't count previous incidents of the car.

The first month we had the car, I was on the way to pick up Miguel at La Dome. I drove down Rossmore Ave. The car broke down by 3rd. I couldn't find the emergency lights. I walked back to home. Jeff explained a furious Miguel called me. I told him that the car broke down. An hour later, Miguel came home in a taxi and fought with me. I tried to explain, but Miguel wouldn't listen to me. He only wants to fight! Jeff didn't want to get in the middle and smoke outside. I don't blame Jeff! The next morning, Miguel was still mad at me. I told him that I didn't plan for the car to break down! THINGS HAPPENS and we have no control over things. It wasn't my fault.

Miguel called his sister in law. She took us to the car. They checked the car; the black thing wasn't connected to the turning wheels. We also need a new battery! Somehow, I don't remember how, we took the car home. We went to Pep Boys for a new car battery, the strap and the club! Jeff, Miguel and the sister in law fixed the car. I know nothing about cars, except to drive and park! Since then, we continued to have some sort of car troubles! The car broke down once more a few months later. The car is so old! His sister had it over 14 years!

I went to the Melrose Bank for $40, and then I paid all my bills at AT&T and The Gas Company. The gas lady worker made a funny joke, "My, your bill is too high. I hope you can afford it." I accidentally dropped my daybook. She thought I fell down! Nah! I didn't want to go home. I need more time. So, I went to Smart & Final for milk then arrived home at 11:30AM. I noticed he was still sleeping. I turned on the TV for Y&R! Miguel woke up during All My Children. We finally talked, only about the ABC soap! He wondered what Greenlee was up to with the trash! I mentioned Greens found Leo's note for Laura to destroy their marriage; Greens still want Leo! In another storyline, Adam wants Liza's sister to go after Ryan in order to keep him away from a pregnant Liza to save his marriage to Liza! Got that? LOL

Miguel went back to sleep. I continued watching the soaps and read SOD! 2PM, I woke up him to get ready for work at Universal Studios. Then he went down to get his clothes AND BEER from the trunk! I saw him to put the beer in the icebox! Hmm, HELL, NO!! I won't have alcohol in the apartment. He could save him money, but I really doubt it. He would go to the clubs to drink. Having beer at home WOULD NOT stop him from going out! Therefore, I forbid alcohol at home. Couple days ago, I did dump the liquid bottle in the sink and I would do it again! If we let alcohol in the home, we would have MORE PROBLEMS we couldn't handle!

I watched Rosie. Miguel looked for something; he went through his pants. I let it go! I won't give him his wallet. He may go clubbing after work. Hmm, or would he? He doesn't have enough money for the clubs, $37.97 as of 10/11/01, Thursday. The ATM only gives out $20. He franticly searched for his wallet everywhere. He knew he had it in his pants. Oops, I acted too hastily. He wasn't that drunk last night. I took a chance at the wrong time. I should have wait till he was REALLY drunk out of his mind!

I asked, "What are you doing?" He said, "I'm looking for my wallet. I know I left it in my pants. Now, it is gone!" I said, "I don't know where you put it. It could be anywhere." He said," No, something happen. Please help me." I tried my best to convince him that he could drop it outside. He didn't buy that, he was so sure he left it in his pants! He said, "I need to find it before I go to work. I need my ID for Universal Studios!" That took me back. Last week, I read online that all studios would have more security, due to the 911 tragedies! Damn, that didn't cross my mind! They would check the car too! Hmm, another ideal for revenge come to me! It was too spicy for Miguel! I may not do it anyway!

I tried to persuade him that it could be in the car. I had a chance to get the wallet from the secret hiding place. He was on his knees to look under the bed. I could have got it. I didn't want him to see me! I mentioned I would look in the car. He claimed I don't have to. He was on his way out to work. He would use his passport as his ID for Universal Studios! At least, he has an ID! I was in the clear. He got his things and claimed he still love me. I heard him to drive off.

I made up my mind. I took the wallet out of the hiding place. My story - "I found it at the end of the bed. The wallet must have fell out of the pocket! I think you didn't look there good." That seems logic enough! He would buy it! MY ACTING must be so good to pull it off! I know it would be easy.

Few hours later, I went through his wallet inch by inch! I saw a motel card. On the other side of the card, it has a location map! The motel is on the corner of Yucca & Hollywood near Mann Chinese Theater. It has luxury rooms, movies, direct dial phone, swimming pool, radios and AC! I remembered I saw the same motel on his bank statement online. I signed on to online banking. I hit another JACKPOT! The fucking slut and his hoe stayed at the motel 4 FREAKING TIMES, the days he was missing for 4 days in August 2001, the beginning of my online journal.

The statement says the date for the motel are August 30 - $70 and August 31, September 4 (times 2) - $60. That would make him there from August 27 - 30, the four nights - he lied he was at a friend's house! Miguel's slutty around has been going on over a couple of months now! Miguel lies, cheats, drinks, drugs, gives me STD, waste his money, use people and don't come home some nights. WOW! Isn't he the perfect nothing-good boyfriend? I can't wait to have kids to be like the fucking slut! Miguel is the perfect role model! NOT!

I decided to look up some groups for him. I thought about stopping by the Village this morning. Then, I can take him without telling him. He really needs the meetings. I cant go on like this anymore. This past couple months has been too much to take! If he asked me why we are there. I would say you tell me. Hmm, if he says the wrong answer, that would be the icing on the cake. I gave him lots of chance to come clean. He hasnt even tried to get help for his problems or his STD! He was still giving STD to others. He didnt come home Tuesday night. I should call the police on his ass!

9:50PM, Miguel came home from work. He kissed me and wants to use the phone. I signed off. He asked, "Did you find my wallet?" I didnt answer him. I think I let him sweat a little till I tell the story. I noticed he wondered about his wallet. He cant seem to place it. As I type this part, his wallet was in my pocket! I found the times of the meeting.

12-Step Groups Currently Meeting at The Village

Alcoholics Anonymous

AA Tuesdays & Thursdays, 12:30 - 2 pm
Big Book Study Mondays, 8 - 9 pm
Blah Blah Step Study Thursdays, 7 - 8 pm
Book Study Wednesdays, 7 - 8 pm
Women's AA Wednesdays, 8 - 9 pm

I think on his next day off, I would surprise to take him! If he turns it down which I truly believe we would, he turns down and killed our love forever, which the love was already dead. I know he must do it for himself, not us! It doesnt work that way. I wont even be there for support. He doesnt want to stop drinking, the drugs and unsafe sex. Why should I be there for him? He has change over the months into someone I dont even know any more. He says he love me. Then again, our love is not good enough for him! He doesnt watch the soaps or the reality TV shows with me. Last month, he told me he doesnt want to and I should tape them when he is home! He lives in a separate world, many worlds away from his family and me.

He watched TV. I heard the microwave beeped. I said, "Your popcorn is done." He said, "Okay." I continued doing my journal. More than 20 minutes past, I put the wallet under the monitor. I walked to the kitchen doorway and looked at him. I asked, "Are you going to eat your popcorn?" He said, "Yes." I asked, "When?" He said, "Leave me alone." I asked, "Why?" He responded, "Why not?" I turned off the kitchen light and went to the computer! He hasnt got up to get his popcorn!

11:50PM, I playful said, "I think Im going to eat some popcorn, Miguel!" He said, "So." I jumped in bed and finished watching Just Shoot Me, it seems logic to me. Please, somebody, just shoot me now! Im so tired of the freaking loser! For the longest time, I keep on asking God to take me now, but he doesnt want me! I went to the kitchen. I put the popcorn in the bowl. I gave it to Miguel. He said, "I thought you was going to have some." I rolled my eyes. He said, "Please give me two Tylenol." I said, "Why should I? You said to leave you alone. You can get them yourself!" Miguel moved the popcorn from himself. I got the Tylenol for him. I said, "Are you going to eat it?" I put it close to him! He said, "Leave me alone." I went back to the journal once more!

It does sounds like I dont have a life. Its just the journal, online and me! I used to write for a soap, I have to revamped the soap, but my real life soap is taking up most of the time. So, the soap is on the back burner till my life is back into focus! My personal soap is taking a toll on me; Miguel made my life so damn miserable since the summer! I dont do anything else! I dont have a car and the gate code doesnt work. I cant do anything till the code is fix! Its just the same old boring daily routine!

I have the spirit of an alien.
I need to find my own kind.
I must shed off the dreadful human skin.
It is very uncomfortable.