Subj: PRAYERS

Date: 9/27/2001 11:57:48 AM Central Daylight Time

From: Cruize 4 Luv

To: MCCLA

I don't know how to do this post or even to know how to start. I REALLY NEED PRAYERS!

Miguel might hit rock bottom soon, but I really doubt it; he is a bartender at parties all over town.

This past week has been one of the toughest yet with him. I take it back, one of the TOUGHEST MONTHS!

1) MISSING

Some nights, he doesn't come home. Last night, he didn't. The last time I saw him about 9AM yesterday. In 30 minutes, he would be missing for 24 hours AGAIN!

Today, I decided I wouldnt fill out a missing person report. It would be useless. He is making it a BAD HABIT!

He was missing Monday night/Tuesday night, he come home Wednesday morning for 15 minutes, and he hasn't show up at all since then.

Since I am ONLINE all the time, he COULD HAVE drive home and tell me! It is his RESPONSIABLE to tell me somehow and someway!

IT IS UP TO HIM to tell me, "he won't be home for the night" no matter what. He does have the car!

2) BANK ACCOUNT

I believed I did something very ILLEGAL. TRUST ME - I did not STEAL any money from him!

I went online posing I was him to TAKE A GOOD LOOK at his bank account online.

I am glad I did that. I found out some interesting stuff about his money!

He is spending way TOO MUCH MONEY this month alone. That told me he has a SERIOUS DRINKING PROBLEM! I already knew that for some time!

Tuesday, 9/25/01, he took out FOUR $42 and ONE $20 to party at the clubs/elsewhere. $188 is the amount he took out.

This month alone, he spent $558. I am keeping track of HIS money situation! I have a GOOD REASON!! Please see #3

I'm so happy about ONE THING! Thank God we don't have the same account! He would have spent my SSI money too!

3) HOME HELL HOME!

Since he is WASTING HIS MONEY on booze, drugs and sex, (sounds like a rock star. LOL) he may not be able to PAY THE RENT for next month!

You know what that mean, being homeless is among me once more!

I really don't care about being homeless. I have no regrets. It was meant to be. I gave ALL MY PROBLEMS to God. He would take care of me!

I have a very BAD FEELING about this. He would ask me for the RENT MONEY! Honey, guess what...see #4

4) BAIL HIM OUT OF JAMS

This month, I bailed him out TWO TIMES.

A) The car accident, two week ago, two days after the tragedies!

B) The paint job - he didn't have the money. (See #2) I paid $368. THANK GOD I got all my money back.

C) Hmmm, next month's rent! NOT!!!

I would not BAIL HIM OUT anymore!

The way I see it - If I CONTINUED bailing him out, I am LETTING him to drink and DESTROY more lives from his drinking. (See #4, A)

In closing, the ONLY THING I want from you, my friends, is prayers.

PLEASE NO HAND OUTS!! I only want prayers!

2001, September 29, Saturday night, 12:45 AM, SNL's season premiere, Miguel came in looking mad. He went to the kitchen. He asked, "Did you ate?" I said, "Pasta." Once again, he didn't believe me. He walked toward the bathroom. He asked, "Did you take a shower? Why haven't you fixed the leak?" I said, "I did. The knobs are so hard to turn." He didn't believe me. He complained, "Yeah. I always fix the leak." He semi fixed the leak. I kidded around, "Why haven't you fix the leak? It was still running." I went in the bathroom. He said, "Leave me alone." I went back to the computer. He stood behind me. I said, "What?" He complained, "You are looking for another man. That is what you do." He got in the bed, "I really don't care. I don't care." I tried to explain; "I work on the web site all day." I tried to show him. He wouldn't look at the screen. He continued watching SNL!

2001, October 1, Monday, I finally checked my email since I posted the prayer in the clubs. A founder of a yahoo club, Jen, sent me an email! She was so sweet about it. She offered me great advice, "I should have asked for prayers without the details AND I should get out of the relationship!" She explained she received complaints in her email box and negative responses in the club. She didnt want me to get backlash for my situation! Yes, I was upset, but not at Jen! How could someone be so cold and heartless when someone is down? I wanted to lash out at them in the club. I would have to say one thing to make my point, "you are not being Christians for kicking someone even further to the ground. All I ask is for prayers not curses from you." Jen wouldnt kick me out of the club, I DID NOTHING WRONG!

I came to realize that I would be better off without the clubs. At this time in my life, I need to turn ALL MY ATTENTION on my life. So, I dropped out from all the clubs I was in. The clubs were great for a while. I would miss everyone there. We are there for each other no matter what. We are family! I cant have any more distractions in my life; I need to focus all my energy of getting out the relationship and moved on with my life!

2001 October 3, Wednesday, Miguel and I got lost to the Medical place. I made a wrong turn. The medical place sent me to the SSI office on Wilshire for a referral. I went back and waited over 30 minutes. The medical would be active at 11 AM. I can't use it before then. We went to his office to pick up his schedule. I asked him, "Want to go to Smart & Final? We forgot to buy paper towels and fabric softener." He turned me down; he was in pain since this morning.

Revenge foiled once again. I hope I could take him to the free clinic with me to put him on this spot. I noticed I have STD for a couple of days. I went there yesterday, the STD clinic wasn't open. If he accused me of sleeping around, I would show him the receipts to Hollywood Spa and the motel. Miguel gave me the STD, more heartache!!

11:30AM, I finished my shopping early. I stay in the long line to buy me time. I didn't want to go to the clinic early; it wasn't meant to be. I got there early. Five till Noon, I went to the second floor and waited. I was the second person in line. I waited about 90 minutes till they see me. I answered the questions truthfully. They sent me to the restroom for a urine example. I waited another 30/45 minutes. A longtime friend, Robert, showed up with his newspaper. We didn't talk at all till the end. I didn't want to disturb his reading. We caught up on old times, namely the street days. They called me.

I took some medication, 4 purple one and one white one. This was the only time for the medication. He checked me out, and, yes, I have STD. Robert went in the same questions room. I waited in the hallway for another test, blood work for another STD. He came out; everything is fine. I mentioned I was there since Noon. The nurse came out for me. I excuse myself from Robert. She checked both arms, the right one is the good one. I was all done. I walked out and told Robert, "goodbye!"

I came home. Miguel was in the restroom. He wondered where I was, "shopping." I realized we still had two boxes of fabric softener. He claimed we didn't have any. It brought us to six from four boxes. No biggie thou. I love to stock up, the best way to go. I saw Miguel in bed. He says, "He didn't saw them in the spot." I noticed I was kinda out of it from the medication. I lay down for a while. We watched TV for a while. We were both falling asleep. He asked, "Where was I?" I said, "Smart & Final." He asked again; I gave him the same answer again. He asked once more. I said, "The bank and Smart & Final!" I saw right through him, he felt like I was somewhere else. I was gone for a long time. If I told him the truth, he may deny everything!

5:30PM, Miguel went to work. I watched my soaps. He came home during Passions, passed 7 PM. They sent him home early; he got there late. The roads were being work on! He wants another job. He claimed he would punish him for arriving late by giving him less workdays. It happened before last year. I may not tell him till tomorrow after work. He needs to wake up at 4:30AM and be there at 6.

My friend IM me about the medical card. Everything went fabulous! Last night online, I found out where to go about the card. I even book marked the sites too for the next time. I dreaded to tell him about the STD! Boy, I was right on the money! I wished I didn't tell him at all. I have to explain again and again and again.

I said, "I went to the free clinic too, bad news thou." He asked, "Why?" I said, "STD." He asked, "What? You have STD?" I said, "I forgot the name of it...." He said, "Sexually transmitted disease.... syphilis or gonorrhea?" I said, "gonorrhea. I know who I got it from!" He asked, " From whom?" I said, "one sure fire guess." He kept on asking, "Who?" He wouldn't guess whom! I asked, "Who do I have sex with?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I have not told him yet. He could blame me for sleeping around He asked, "Well, have u been sleeping around or he has been fooling around? I replied, "I am not like that!" He asked, "How did you get it? By topping him? Then check yourself for HIV too?"

I wanted to end this conversation so badly. I wished I hadnt brought STD up. I need to explain everything to him again and again and again. I said, "I think I tell him now." He said, "I think it is best to confront him. Do you have any medications you are taking?" I said, "I already took it. I wanted him to go with me to the clinic, I would have put him on the spot." He said, "Then do it but still u also have it. Have both of u checked for HIV?" I said, "Hold on. It would be a while. I would tell him now." He said, "Okay."

2001, October 4, Thursday, 5:30PM, he slept. I checked his wallet again. I found more receipts. This time, the spotlight. The big money came into play, all four $42. I went in the restroom. I didn't want to get caught. I checked it out more. I came out. He wakes up. The wallet was in my left hand. I saw the fanny pack on the chair. He couldn't see it. I put the wallet in my pocket and sat down on the fanny pack. He didn't suspect a thing, but my face told another story. I went online. I glance at him couple of times. He watched Married With Children. I continued with online. I looked again. He lay on his side toward the fishes. I waited till he fell asleep. I fed the fishes. He was fully asleep. I sat down again. I put the wallet in the fanny pack. I took it out again. I made up my mind; I would get the main receipts and leave him the rest. I put it back in. I walked to his desk by the door. I place the fanny pack on the desk!

At the end of friends, we talked about Rachael and her pregnancy. I said, "She is a slut." He said, "She isn't the only one. No names, Steve." I pointed my finger at his face. I said, "Like you. You are the slut." I immediately got out of bed. I raised my voice. He begged not to yell at me. I wouldn't dare to stop. I said, "You went to the bathhouse." He said, "I only did drugs with friends." He begged more to stop yelling. I took out my wallet for the receipts. I accidentally grabbed the wrong one, Motel. I put back it and got the right way. I suddenly changed my mind. Why show him the receipts? I have something better. The receipts can be my revenge later on.

I took out the pamphlet and showed him it. I said, "How come you are sleeping around? I got this from you." He was in major shock. I said, "You slept around. You gave me this." He said, "Gimme that. Are you sick?" I said, "You have been sleeping around my back. This is what I got from you." He asked, "Are you sick?" I threw the paper at him. He looked at it, disbelieved! Oh well, that is what we get. We both get the disease, thanx to his slutty ways. I went online.

He said, "Babe, come here." I just annoyed him. I finally said, "Why should I? You want to sleep with the other men. You can have them." I mind my own business as we continued watching TV. I said, "You made your bed. Lay in it." After a while, he lowered the volume down. I said, "Please turn it up. Babe, turn it up." He said, "Don't call me babe. I don't want to be yours anymore." I said, "Look at me, Look at me." He wouldn't look at me. He watched the TV show. "I said, "Look at me." He asked "why?" He finally saw me. I said, "You can't blame me. It was your own doing." Couple minutes later, he turned the volume up. He switched it over to Charmed.

I noticed Miguel weighed himself in the kitchen. I walked up later. I begged him to get on once again. He declined. I figured he lost more weight. He wouldn't move or even look at me, "Who cares?". He doesn't want to be call "Baby!" I replied, "That is what you want. This past four months, I tried to avoid the facts," I continued on in the bedroom, "You kept on and on and on...."

I walked out of the restroom to the bed. He looked at me. I just smiled and went through my daybook. The STD is only open tomorrow at 8AM till 10:30AM. I asked, "What time do you work?" He said, "I work at 7 PM." I said, "We need to wake up at 7AM." He asked, "Why?" I shouted, "You know why. You are acting stupid right now." He said, "Don't yell. I can hear you." I said, "You need to take care of the problem." I went online to do my journal. He asked, "The free clinic?" I said, "Yes!" He asked, "where?" I said, "Melrose." He asked, "What about the gay center?" I said, "I think we need to make an appointment. And you said, 'No one cares for you.' Ha!" He watches TV while I search for the web for the gay center.

About 30 minutes later, I came upon the gay center site. By then, I got so sleepy. I woke up at 4:30AM. He needs to work at 6AM at the studio. I didn't went back to sleep. I watch my shows from last night. I finally fell asleep about 8:40 for 30 minutes. I woke up to Regis and Kelly. Anyway, I book marked the STD sites. He said, "Porky." I said, "What?" He said, "Porky." I kinda got upset; I did answer him. I didn't want to lose my place on the web site. I looked back, "What?" He shook his head, no. I continued on. I got the right 411. He wondered which one. I mentioned that the STD clinic open at 11 IS till 3 PM. He thought I talked about the Melrose clinic. No, the one at the gay center. Melrose opened at 8AM till 10:30 AM. I told him I waited about 90 minutes. I took the test and they gave me a shot for blood work. I need to come back couple weeks later. He might as well go to his hospital on Sunset. STD may found out he has insurance.

He came out of the restroom. I asked, "What do you want to do?" He said, "The emergency room at Kaiser. I don't have $20." I said, "I need to use my ATM." He said, "We can go to the bank." I dreaded that! I hate using my ATM. If it was an emergency, I may do it if it is life and death situation. We would see what tomorrow brings. Night, all!