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2001 September 13, Thursday

Thursday night, I was online.  Miguel told me that he was going to get a newspaper like I really believe him!  Couple hours passed, I went to bed about Midnight.  Then passed 3AM, some noise woke me up.  I heard someone knock on the door or whatever.  Miguel came through the door, so drunk as ever.  A worried Miguel demanded to go with him.  I have no clue of why.  He didn't say much, but he wanted some money from me.  I found that odd.  I never carry cash in my wallet.  If I did, I would have spent it by then.  I explained to Miguel that I have no money on me.

I got dressed and went with him outside.  Low and behold, a friend of his was there standing by his car.  He, too, wanted some money from me!  I was really lost now.  I would never give to money to anyone.  It turns out to be taxi driver wanting "$20."  I never have that much on me.  This driver I didn't trust at all.  I came across those drivers once before.  My friend & I called a cab from Jons on Sunset.  It took him about 15 minutes.  We declined; he went on his way.  Those cabs can't be trusted at all.  They are not the REGULAR cabs we see every day, the car doesn't have the thing on top.  

I explained to them both that I have no money on me.  Miguel told me to go back inside for my wallet.  I tried to get back in the apartment building; the gate code wasn't working since two months now.  I got Miguel by the cab.  I told him I couldn't get in.  I tried so many times again, failed each time.  Miguel got frustrated.  I lifted him up to the gate.  He climbed over and cut his left hand.  He didn't bleed that bad.  I ran in the apartment and finally used the restroom.  I wanted to pee since I woke up!  

Miguel barged in and wanted to know why I was taking a long time.  I said "I'm getting ready", I was still not full awaken!  In a way, I was buying some time for myself!  We argued a bit, I wanted so much to wake up the neighbors!  We didn't go that far, raising our voices!  I locked the door.  We got in the cab.  God bless, this driver went flying though the streets.  I think about 60 MPH or more, I didn't look at the speed.  I couldn't look at Miguel; my disgust was racing with the driver to the finish line!  I just glazed outside at the buildings!  

I annoyed his crying.  I was in my own world!  Miguel told the driver the directions.  A few times, Miguel tried to talk to me.  I always replied, "Don't talk to me."  If he does, I would lose it big time!  I already know what I was facing.  Even that alone was further from my mind.  I want to distance myself from him and the situation.  Tuesday's tragedies came to me; I wished Miguel were one of the victims.  Then, I won't have to put up with his drinking problem any longer.  The amount of innocence victims were killed, I wouldn't mind the terrorists put him in his place or even kill him!  I would be glad when the day arrived that Miguel would be out of my life altogether!  

We arrived at 7/11 on Santa Monica.  I thought Miguel would get some money from the ATM machine inside.  Guess again, we took off to the car at the laundry mat on Sunset by the gay club Miguel was at partying!  We drove up to the car.  We got out.  I whispered at the driver, "Now, I am really mad!"  I saw the damage dent, which made me more furious.   Throughout the whole ordeal, I remained calm to a certain degree. The right headlight was destroyed; the passenger's front door couldn't open.  

I noticed two men were at the other end of the club by their car.  Miguel cried and wanted me to pay for the cab.  I screamed out loud couple of time "Don't put the blame on me."  I should have left him there and call a REAL taxi cab.  Miguel pleaded to pay the guy.  I told him once before, "I don't have the money!"  We went back to 7/11.  I wanted him to go inside to get HIS MONEY!!  He declined; I got $40 from my account!  If I knew his password, I would have gotten his money instead.  Why should I pay for his MISTAKE?  

The cab drove off to the corner.  Miguel sat behind the car by the wall, crying, "I'm sorry."  I didn't pity him one bit.  His sorry doesn't mean a thing to me.  I want to go home; I didn't need this at all.  I tried to open the "stuck" passenger's door.   The side was inside the door.  I didn't bother with the door.  I noticed the cab was still at the stop sign.  He finally drove off.  

I opened the driver's door; I immediately saw Miguel's car keys.  Of course, I hid it from him; the car key was missing.  I knew someone took it from him.  I got in the car and told Miguel "to get in."  The other men I saw earlier left too.  Miguel continued crying.  We were on our way home.  I noticed the blinkers don't work any more.  I watched out for the cops.  I even didn't wipe the windows either.  I wanted to get home so badly!  I didn't care if it takes an hour or more.  

For some odd reason, I looked back to Miguel.  He was semi nude, shirt off and his pants were unzipped; he was showing the full monty!  I was shocked, "Put on your cloths."  He claimed I told him to get undressed.  Yeah, right!  I was glad the police didn't stop me for the blinkers!  If I didn't look back or whatever, I would have lots of explaining to do!  I am not a good talker at all, but I can act my ass off when I need to!  
We got home.  Miguel was still not dress!  I got out of the car and told him to get dress.  This time, he did!  I realized Miguel lost his glasses.  He must have dropped them somewhere in the parking lot.  I repeated told him that he lost them.  You know how drunks are; it goes in one ear and out the other.  I immediately went online, my downtown from him whenever he is at home.  I don't want to be bothered by him.  The only time I am happy is when he is at work, his sister or wherever without me. Online is my world away from his drinking and him.

I saw my friend, Mike, was online.  I didn't talk to him right away.  Miguel cried in the bathroom, feeling sorry for himself.  He cleaned himself up some, put bandage on his hurt left hand.  He was nude by the time we entered the apartment.  I went back online, talking to Mike.  By now, I was so disgusted by him.  I didn't even talk to him or look at him.  His ass in the air, he was on all fours!  The temptation fell flat on the deaf ears.  

I wouldn't let sex to take over the situation.  Sex would make matters worse for us.  He still wants it, I told him, "Go to bed.  I was not in the mood."  I remained online talking to Mike.  Miguel crawled under the sheets, claiming I don't love him!  What a crock!  In a way, I really don't love him.  The moment he went back to drinking last month, I stop loving him and I don't feel a thing for him for some time now.  I knew sooner or later in my heart that he would drink again.  It was the matter of when.  Therefore, I distanced myself further from our love for some time.

I can't love an alcoholic.  It is not in their best interest to be in a relationship right now.  I knew I needed to be ONLY his roomie since his last hospital stay in Feb or March in 2001.  The last time, the doctor told him that the next time he drinks, he would die from drinking.  The doc even sent him to a rehab at Kaiser.  The people set him up for an evaluation and weekly meetings.  

His brother brought over the car, he put me in an awkward position, and "does he have an drinking problem?"  I didn't know how to answer that.  I didn't answer him; I don't think no one in Miguel's family would take me seriously.  I felt like Miguel came from an alcoholic family.  I know by the fact that his other brother on Crenshaw is an alcoholic.  He got a DWI and his car was impounded a few months back.  

Mike thought I was still mad at Miguel since the last time; he was gone for 4 days!  I explained he drove drunk and the car is damage!  I continued talking to Mike, whom he has the same problem with his dead lover.  He tried to convince me that I should be there for him, support him though his tough times and even talk to him.  No thanx, Miguel wants no help at all.  For crying out loud, he is a BARTENDER and a server!  I mentioned to him that Miguel was in jail for drunk driving before my time, a DWI too.  Miguel destroyed his new car too!  

I wished the police spotted him tonight; then I won't have to deal with it for the time being.  I mentioned to Mike,  "He wants sex."  No thanx, I won't let SEX take over the situation.   Mike says, "Oh, gee, he just wants his ASS pounded."  I would let the police pound his ass!   Mike ask a very interesting question, "doesn't he realize he is killing himself? Is he that self destructive?"  I replied, "I think he does.  He doesn't want to face the truth.  I am all for his self-destructive.  It would do everyone some good.  God can have him!

I was really mad at Miguel.  I waited him to fall asleep; I need some time to myself.  If he's that drunk, it shouldn't take long for him to pass out!  Amen!  Crying is keeping him up.  Now, there is silence!  Mike wondered, "are we hearing, you don't love me anymore, I'm so sorry."  For sure, I don't stay with him that much longer. He can't be in a RELATIONSHIP right now.  His sober comes first. Mike believed I was wrong about the relationship!  "He needs your help. You love him and he loves you.  Your support is very important. But you have to be positive about it, lay down the law, don't enable him."
Miguel passed out.  PEACE AT LAST!!  Mike still tried to convince me.  I'm not buying it.  Last time, the doctors him the next time he drinks, he would die.   Kaiser sent him to one couple months ago. He didn't follow through with it, work come first. He was doing so well till last month. He started to drink again.  I won't bother talking to find out why he is drinking again!  It is useless.  I think his friends from work influenced him to drink again.  Top it all, he is a BARTENDER and a server at parties all over town.

Couple weeks ago, I was asleep till Miguel woke me up.  A friend from work was with him.  I got dressed.  Miguel was so disgusted drunk; I hardly look at his friend too.  He offered me to go clubbing with them.   It pist me off big time.  I declined fast!   Miguel didn't learned from the last time.  He wants to end up in the hospital again.  I won't wait for him when he gets out again!!  That night, he got home after 5:30 AM.  I couldn't went back to sleep, I went online to distance myself from him.  Soon after, he passed out.  Then about a week later or two, he was missing for four days!!

Mike thought Miguel works at Kaiser.  I explained it was another friend's lover who used to work there.  Mike says, "Working with alcohol can be very tempting."  Hell, yeah!  There is no wonder he went back to drinking again!  The damn alcohol is there at the parties.    Mike wants me to "get him back in that program, go to meetings with him, and be extra supportive."  No thanx!   It is up to Miguel, I am so passed his drinking!  I won't put up with his drinking.  He is determined to drink himself to death!  I won't stop him at all.  Mike is still going to Hawaii next Friday at 8 AM.  He is not afraid if he get kill on the airplane!  Box cutters and plastic knives don't bother him. He would shove them up their ass!

I wondered if I should call the police about the car accident. I have no ideal. Miguel did not tell me anything.  I should "wait until later when he's sober.  If he hit someone and kept going, they have the license number of your car they will probably be calling you or his sister.  No, don't go to the police. You have to come up with a good lie about what happened. You don't want him charged with hit and run. If someone was injured it is a felony. You two may want to go to the Gay & Lesbian Ctr. they have free legal advice."

I need to look out for myself, what if the police stop me when I drive the car. I don't know what to say.  Mike says, "You have to get your stories together, then go to the insurance company. It's got to be realistic. Depending on the damage maybe you parked it and when you returned it was damaged. It all depends on the type of damage and the extent."  My story is I was sleeping, Miguel got me in a taxicab and we went back to the club. Then we went home.   Mike continued, "keep yourself out of it but depending on the damage, where it was parked there may be a explanation that is a little far fetched but one they can not disprove."  Mike lost me on the last past.  He explained again, "Find out what happened from him. Then put your heads together and attempt to come up with a story that could have happened.  Like he parked the car in a parking lot and left the key."  I say, "Good night" and went straight to bed!

I have the spirit of an alien.
I need to find my own kind.
I must shed off the dreadful human skin.
It is very uncomfortable.